5 Things to Avoid When Arguing with Your Partner

July 11 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 383 Views

Arguments are inevitable in any relationship. Disagreements are a natural part of two people with different upbringings, personalities, and perspectives sharing their lives. However, how couples argue plays a crucial role in determining the emotional health and longevity of the relationship. Constructive conflict can lead to growth and deeper connection, while destructive patterns can erode trust, safety, and intimacy over time. Often, it’s not the topic of the argument that causes the damage, but the way it's handled. Recognizing and avoiding certain behaviours during a conflict can significantly improve communication and reduce emotional harm.

Here are 5 critical things to avoid when arguing with your partner, backed by research and clinical insights.

1. Avoid Criticism and Personal Attacks

It’s easy to slip into blaming language when emotions are high. However, criticism—especially when aimed at your partner's character rather than the specific behaviour—can be deeply damaging. Saying “You never listen to me because you’re selfish” is very different from “I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone.”

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, found that criticism is one of the ‘Four Horsemen’ that predict relationship breakdown (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Repeated criticism can make your partner feel attacked, unworthy, and defensive, thereby escalating the argument.

What to do instead: Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I feel hurt when I’m interrupted” promotes vulnerability and avoids sounding accusatory.

2. Avoid Stonewalling or Shutting Down

When overwhelmed or feeling attacked, some people shut down emotionally, stop responding, or walk away from the conversation altogether. This behaviour, known as stonewalling, is often a defence mechanism. However, to the partner, it can feel like abandonment or a lack of care.

Stonewalling disrupts communication and prevents resolution. Over time, it creates emotional distance and discourages your partner from opening up in the future.

What to do instead: If you feel overwhelmed, communicate that you need a break to calm down. Say something like, “I want to continue this conversation, but I need 10 minutes to collect my thoughts.” Returning to the discussion later shows commitment to resolution rather than avoidance.

3. Avoid Bringing Up the Past

When arguments spiral, there’s a temptation to bring up old issues—especially those that were never fully resolved. “This is just like last year when you forgot my birthday,” or “You always do this—remember that time at my friend’s wedding?”

This behaviour, called kitchen-sinking, overwhelms the conversation and makes the current issue nearly impossible to resolve. It shifts focus from resolution to blame and often confuses the emotional context of the argument.

What to do instead: Stay present. Focus on the issue at hand and how you both can work through it. If past issues continue to resurface, it may be worth addressing them in a separate conversation or with a therapist’s guidance.

4. Avoid Using Threats or Ultimatums

Saying things like “If you don’t change, I’m leaving” or “I’ll never forgive you if this happens again” creates a power imbalance in the relationship. Threats and ultimatums trigger fear, not cooperation, and often lead to compliance out of stress or anxiety, depression, rather than mutual respect.

Such language undermines the emotional safety of the relationship and can leave long-lasting scars. They also shift the focus from connection and understanding to control and fear.

What to do instead: Instead of threatening outcomes, express your boundaries and needs respectfully. For example, "To feel secure in this relationship, I need honesty. "Can we talk about how to rebuild that?” is more effective and invites collaboration.

5. Avoid Dismissing or Minimizing Feelings

Saying “You’re overreacting,” “This is not a big deal,” or “You’re too sensitive” invalidates your partner’s experience. Emotional invalidation during conflict deepens wounds and may cause your partner to shut down, lash out, or feel emotionally unsafe in the relationship.

According to Linehan (1993), invalidating a person’s emotional reality can contribute to emotional dysregulation and even long-term psychological distress. Everyone experiences emotions differently, and dismissing feelings is a fast track to emotional disconnection.

What to do instead: Listen without judgment. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s feelings, but you can acknowledge them by saying, “I can see that this upsets you. Let’s talk about it.”

The Role of Therapy and Professional Support

When conflicts become frequent or escalate into toxic patterns, it may be time to seek professional help. Therapists and counsellors—especially through accessible online counselling like TalktoAngel—can help couples:

Understand each other’s communication styles
Build emotional regulation skills
Create safe and structured spaces for conflict resolution
Learn and use methods that have been shown to work, such as the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

Online therapy is especially beneficial for busy couples or those living apart due to travel, work, or family reasons. It offers convenient, confidential, and personalised support to help couples rebuild connection and navigate challenges with resilience.

Conclusion

Arguments are not a sign of a failing relationship; they’re a sign that both partners care enough to express their needs. But how you fight is very important. By avoiding common pitfalls like criticism, stonewalling, emotional invalidation, and threats, you can transform conflict into a powerful tool for connection and growth.

Empathy, patience, and active listening are all healthy ways to deal with disagreement. When couples approach disagreements with respect and vulnerability, they create space for healing, understanding, and deeper love.

And remember—help is available. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a licensed therapist or counsellor if you feel stuck in a cycle of unhealthy arguments. Your relationship can do well, even when you argue, if you have the right tools and help.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Sangeeta Pal, Counselling Psychologist.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best-seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. Jossey-Bass.