Emotional insecurity in children manifests as a persistent sense of vulnerability, anxiety, anger, Depression, Stress, and lack of confidence in themselves and their relationships. Children experiencing emotional insecurity often exhibit heightened sensitivity to criticism, excessive fear of failure, difficulty forming healthy attachments, and persistent need for reassurance. Research by Brumariu and Kerns (2010) indicates that emotionally insecure children frequently struggle with emotional regulation, displaying excessive emotional reactions or, conversely, emotional suppression. These children may develop avoidant behaviors, a reluctance to explore new environments, and heightened vigilance to potential threats as their nervous systems remain in a state of alertness, constantly scanning for signs of rejection or danger.

The impact of emotional insecurity extends beyond the emotional realm, significantly affecting social relationships, academic performance, and identity formation. Socially, insecure children often struggle with peer relationships, exhibiting either withdrawal from social interactions or excessive dependence on others for validation (Booth-LaForce & Oxford, 2008). Academically, the persistent anxiety and self-doubt characteristic of emotional insecurity can impair concentration, reduce motivation, and undermine achievement, as evidenced by studies showing correlations between attachment security and academic success (Moss & St-Laurent, 2001). Regarding identity development, emotionally insecure children frequently develop negative self-concepts, struggling to develop a cohesive sense of self-worth independent of external validation. According to research by Thompson (2008), these children often internalize negative messages, developing harmful beliefs about themselves and their value that can persist into adulthood if not addressed.

Parental Behaviours Contributing to Emotional Insecurity

1. Comparing Children to Others

One of the most damaging parental behaviors is comparing children to siblings, peers, or idealized standards. Research by Cornell and Grossberg (1987) found that constant comparisons significantly undermine children's self-esteem and contribute to the development of unhealthy competitive attitudes. When parents habitually make statements like "Why can't you be more like your sister/brother?" or "Look how well Steven behaves," children internalize the message that they are inadequate as they are. A longitudinal study by Frome and Eccles (1998) demonstrated that parental comparisons contribute to decreased self-confidence and increased anxiety in children as they learn to measure their worth against external standards rather than developing internal metrics of success and value.

2.  Inconsistent Discipline

Inconsistent discipline creates an unpredictable environment that leaves children feeling anxious and insecure. According to research by Gardner (1989), when rules and consequences change frequently or differ between caregivers, children cannot develop a reliable understanding of behavioral expectations. This unpredictability forces children to expend significant cognitive and emotional resources trying to navigate shifting expectations rather than feeling secure in clear boundaries. Baumrind's (1966) seminal research on parenting styles consistently demonstrates that children raised with inconsistent discipline show higher rates of behavioral problems, anxiety, and difficulty with self-regulation compared to those raised with consistent, predictable discipline approaches.

3.  Setting Unrealistic Expectations

When parents set expectations that are developmentally inappropriate or misaligned with a child's individual capabilities, they create conditions for chronic failure and frustration. Research by Ablard and Parker (1997) found that unrealistically high parental expectations correlate with increased perfectionism and anxiety disorders in children. Children subjected to expectations beyond their developmental capacity or natural aptitudes internalize the message that their best efforts are never good enough, leading to a pattern of perceived failure and inadequacy. Greenspon's (2008) research indicates that these children often develop either debilitating perfectionism or avoidance behaviors to cope with the fear of inevitable failure, both of which undermine healthy development and emotional security.

4.  Overprotection

Paradoxically, parental behaviors intended to keep children safe can significantly contribute to emotional insecurity when they cross into overprotection. Research by Bayer, Sanson, and Hemphill (2006) demonstrates that overprotective parenting prevents children from developing crucial coping skills and self-confidence by denying them opportunities to face and overcome age-appropriate challenges. When parents consistently rescue children from difficulties or prevent them from taking reasonable risks, they implicitly communicate that the child is incapable of handling challenges independently. A longitudinal study by Hudson and Dodd (2012) found that overprotective parenting in early childhood significantly predicted anxiety disorders in later years, highlighting how this well-intentioned pattern undermines children's development of emotional resilience.

5.  Invalidating Feelings

When parents dismiss, minimize, or criticize children's emotional expressions with statements like "Stop crying, it's not a big deal" or "You're overreacting," they teach children that their emotional experiences are unacceptable or unimportant. Research by Gottman, Katz, and Hooven (1996) on "emotion coaching" versus "emotion dismissing" parenting demonstrates that invalidation of emotions significantly impairs children's emotional intelligence and self-regulation abilities. Children whose emotions are consistently invalidated learn to distrust their own internal experiences, creating disconnection from their authentic selves. According to Linehan's (2015) research, emotional invalidation in childhood is strongly associated with later difficulties regulating emotions and maintaining stable relationships.

6.  Absence of Boundaries

While overly rigid boundaries can be problematic, a complete lack of boundaries creates equally significant issues for children's sense of security. Research by Baumrind (1966) on permissive parenting demonstrates that children raised without clear boundaries often experience heightened anxiety and behavioral problems. Contrary to intuition, healthy boundaries provide children with a sense of safety and predictability that is crucial for emotional security. Chorpita and Barlow's (1998) research suggests that appropriate boundaries help children develop a sense of structure and security that facilitates healthy exploration and development, while their absence leaves children feeling unanchored and anxious about the limits of acceptable behavior.

7.  Criticism Instead of Encouragement

When parents emphasize failures rather than efforts and improvements, they foster an environment of chronic discouragement. Research by Dweck (2006) on mindset development demonstrates that criticism-focused feedback teaches children to avoid challenges and develops a fixed mindset where abilities are seen as static rather than capable of development. Children subjected to frequent criticism internalize negative self-perceptions and develop fear-based motivational patterns. Kamins and Dweck's (1999) research on person-oriented versus process-oriented feedback found that children who receive primarily critical feedback develop significantly lower resilience in the face of setbacks and are more likely to interpret challenges as reflections of inherent inadequacy.

8.  Neglecting Emotional Needs

Emotional neglect—the failure to attend to children's emotional needs for comfort, validation, and connection—can be as damaging as more overt forms of mistreatment. Research by Glaser (2002) indicates that emotional neglect interferes with healthy brain development and attachment formation. When parents are consistently emotionally unavailable, distracted, or dismissive of bids for connection, children develop working models of relationships characterized by inconsistency and unreliability. According to a comprehensive study by McLaughlin et al. (2012), emotional neglect is associated with difficulties in emotion regulation, increased risk for mood disorders, and impaired social functioning throughout the lifespan.

9.  Micromanagement

Excessive parental control over children's choices, activities, and problem-solving attempts undermines the development of autonomy and competence. Research by Grolnick and Ryan (1989) demonstrates that parental micromanagement is associated with lower intrinsic motivation and poorer self-regulation in children. When parents dictate every aspect of children's lives or rush to solve problems children could manage themselves, they implicitly communicate distrust in the child's capabilities. According to Deci and Ryan's (2000) self-determination theory research, the thwarting of autonomy needs through micromanagement significantly impairs children's development of healthy self-efficacy and intrinsic motivation.

10. Restricting Independent Exploration

Closely related to overprotection and micromanagement is the restriction of age-appropriate independent exploration. Research by Carlson, Taylor, and Levin (1998) demonstrates that opportunities for independent exploration are crucial for cognitive development and problem-solving abilities. When parents excessively restrict children's ability to explore their environment, make choices, and learn through trial and error, they limit children's development of confidence in their own abilities. According to Gibson's (1988) ecological approach to development, independent exploration allows children to develop accurate perceptions of their capabilities in relation to their environment—a key foundation for emotional security.

11.  Fostering Emotional Security

Parents can significantly improve their children's emotional security by becoming aware of these patterns and making conscious changes to their parenting approaches. Research by Landry, Smith, and Swank (2006) demonstrates that even small increases in parental responsiveness and appropriate autonomy support can yield significant improvements in children's emotional security and developmental outcomes. Developing consistent discipline practices, offering encouragement rather than criticism, validating emotions, setting appropriate boundaries, and supporting age-appropriate independence all contribute to creating the secure foundation children need.

For families struggling with established patterns of interaction that undermine emotional security, professional support through in-person counseling, online counselling, or online therapy can be invaluable. Research by Diamond, Diamond, and Levy (2014) on attachment-based family therapy demonstrates that therapeutic interventions focusing on parent-child relationships can effectively repair attachment injuries and increase emotional security. Similarly, Lieberman, Ghosh Ippen, and Van Horn's (2006) research on child-parent psychotherapy shows that focused therapeutic work can help parents understand and address the unconscious patterns that may be contributing to their children's insecurity. With appropriate support from the best psychologist in India, individuals can develop new patterns of interaction that foster the emotional security essential for healthy psychosocial development, foster positive relationships and lifelong well-being.

Contributed by: Dr (Prof.) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, &  Mr. Utkarsh Yadav, Counselling Psychologist  

References

• Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2010). Parent-child attachment and internalizing symptoms in childhood and adolescence: A review of empirical findings and future directions. Development and Psychopathology, 22(1), 177-203.
• Chorpita, B. F., & Barlow, D. H. (1998). The development of anxiety: The role of control in the early environment. Psychological Bulletin, 124(1), 3-21.
• Cornell, D. G., & Grossberg, I. N. (1987). Family environment and personality adjustment in gifted program children. Gifted Child Quarterly, 31(2), 59-64.
• Frome, P. M., & Eccles, J. S. (1998). Parents' influence on children's achievement-related perceptions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(2), 435-452.
• Gardner, F. E. (1989). Inconsistent parenting: Is there evidence for a link with children's conduct problems? Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 17(2), 223-233.
• Landry, S. H., Smith, K. E., & Swank, P. R. (2006). Responsive parenting: Establishing early foundations for social, communication, and independent problem-solving skills. Developmental Psychology, 42(4), 627-642.