How does Shame drive Common Addictive behaviours?

May 26 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 132 Views

We’ve all felt shame at some point. It’s that heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach—the one that whispers, “Something is wrong with you.” While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame goes deeper and says, “I am bad.”

Now imagine living with that voice every day. It’s no surprise that many people turn to addictive behaviours as a way to escape the pain that shame creates. What’s less obvious is that shame doesn’t just follow addiction—it often drives it. It fuels the cycle of seeking relief and then feeling even worse afterwards.

Let’s unpack how shame plays a powerful role in the development and persistence of addictions, and what we can do to start healing from both.

Understanding Shame: More Than Just Embarrassment

Shame is a deeply rooted emotional response that arises when we feel flawed, rejected, or not enough. It can develop from childhood experiences—like harsh criticism, neglect, or trauma—but it can also emerge in adulthood after perceived failures, relationship breakdowns, or social rejection.

Unlike guilt, which can motivate positive change, shame often isolates us. It makes us hide, pretend, or run from our pain. When this inner voice becomes too overwhelming, people often reach for something—anything—to numb it.

The Shame-Addiction Cycle

So, how exactly does shame lead to addiction? Here’s a breakdown of how the cycle often plays out:

Shame is triggered – A person feels defective, unloved, or “not good enough.”
Temporary relief – The substance or behaviour offers a moment of pleasure or distraction.
Regret and shame return – Once the high fades, the person feels worse, guilty, or out of control.
Back to the beginning – More shame leads to more attempts at escape.

This pattern creates a loop that can feel impossible to break without addressing the emotional root: shame.

Common Addictive Behaviours Shame Often Fuels

1. Substance Use (Alcohol or Drugs)

People who feel deeply ashamed of their past, appearance, or identity may turn to alcohol or drugs for relief. Substances dull the noise of self-criticism—until they wear off. The aftermath brings guilt, social consequences, and deeper shame, perpetuating the need to use again.

2. Disordered Eating

Food can be comforting, especially for those who feel ashamed of their body, childhood experiences, or emotional needs. Overeating, bingeing, or food restriction (eating disorders) becomes a way to cope with overwhelming emotions.

3. Porn or Sex Addiction

Those struggling with self-worth or identity may seek intimacy or relief through compulsive sexual behaviour. But because society often labels these behaviours as taboo or immoral, individuals quickly spiral into self-condemnation, reinforcing the very shame that triggered the behaviour.

4. Gambling and Risky Behaviour

The thrill of gambling or risk-taking may be an attempt to escape feelings of failure or inadequacy. Win or lose, the shame often deepens, particularly when money is lost or consequences affect loved ones.

5. Social Media and Digital Addiction

Constant comparison, curated perfection, and fear of missing out can drive individuals to escape into digital worlds. But instead of feeling connected, users often come away feeling even more inadequate or left out, amplifying shame and loneliness.

Why Addictive Behaviours “Work” (For a While)

Addictive behaviours work temporarily because they change brain chemistry. Substances like alcohol and dopamine-driven behaviours like binge eating or gambling give a quick hit of pleasure or relief. For someone drowning in shame, that relief feels life-saving, at least in the moment.

The issue is, these behaviors don’t solve the core problem. They delay healing by masking it. And over time, they often make things worse, adding new layers of shame, secrecy, and self-hate.

Where Shame Comes From

To fully understand addiction, we have to ask: Where did the shame begin?

Shame often stems from:

Childhood trauma or emotional abuse
Constant criticism or emotional neglect
Cultural or societal rejection (especially around gender, sexuality, and race)
Religious guilt or fear-based teachings
Failure to meet perfectionistic expectations

It’s important to recognise that shame is learned. No child is born thinking they’re not good enough. They absorb that message from their environment. The good news? If it’s learned, it can be unlearned.

Breaking the Shame-Addiction Loop

Healing from addiction isn’t just about quitting a behaviour—it’s about healing the emotional wound that keeps the behaviour alive. That wound is often shame.

Here are some steps to begin disrupting the cycle:

1. Name It

You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Start by identifying moments where shame shows up. Notice your inner dialogue. What do you tell yourself when you feel rejected or disappointed?

2. Seek Connection, Not Social Isolation

Shame thrives in silence. Being seen and accepted by others helps dismantle the belief that you're unworthy.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Instead of harsh self-talk, try saying, “I’m struggling, and that’s okay. I’m still worthy of love and healing.” Compassion is the antidote to shame.

4. Understand the Triggers

Keep a journal or mental note of when the urge to engage in addictive behaviour arises. Is it after a fight? A mistake at work? Loneliness? Understanding your emotional patterns is key.

5. Work with a Professional

Therapists trained in trauma-informed care or addiction counselling can help you identify the roots of shame and guide you toward healing in a safe space.

You Are Not Your Shame

The most important thing to remember is: You are not your addiction. You are not your shame. You're a whole person with value, strength, and the ability to heal.

Addiction is often less about the behaviour itself and more about what it’s trying to soothe. When you begin to confront shame with honesty, compassion, and courage, you open the door to lasting recovery, not just from the addiction, but from the pain that caused it.

Conclusion

Shame is sneaky. It tells us we’re broken, unworthy, and beyond repair. But here’s the truth: shame lies. You are more than your lowest moments. You are more than the coping mechanisms you’ve clung to in your pain.

Recovery begins when we shift the question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What happened to me?” And from there, we build something new: resilience, self-esteem, honesty, connection, and ultimately, freedom.

You’re not alone on this journey. Healing is hard, but it’s always worth it.

Contributed By: Contributed by Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Riya Rathi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

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Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Khantzian, E. J. (1997). The self-medication hypothesis of substance use disorders: A reconsideration and recent applications. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 4(5), 231–244. https://doi.org/10.3109/10673229709030550
Mate, G. (2010). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. North Atlantic Books.
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2020). Understanding drug use and addiction. https://nida.nih.gov/publications/drugfacts/understanding-drug-use-addiction