In today’s evolving landscape of relationship dynamics, terms like Singleish and Solo Polyamory have entered mainstream conversations, especially within non- monogamous and alternative relationship communities. These identities emphasise autonomy, self-reliance, and the pursuit of connection without conforming to conventional norms of partnership. But what do these choices say about the people who adopt them? Are they signs of hyper-independence—perhaps rooted in trauma— or intentional strategies for emotionally healthy disconnection?

This article delves into whether these relationship styles are markers of emotional avoidance or affirmations of evolved relational agency.

Defining Singleish and Solo Polyamory

Singleish is a relatively modern term describing individuals who are not in committed, cohabiting relationships but still engage in romantic or sexual intimacy with one or more people. They value independence, keep their own living space, and avoid merging life logistics with partners. It’s a liminal space: more emotionally invested than being casually dating, but not interested in traditional coupledom either.

Solo Polyamory, on the other hand, refers to individuals who practice polyamory without integrating partners into primary roles. Solo polys may have deep, committed relationships, but they reject hierarchical models that elevate one partner above others. They usually live alone, maintain financial independence, and prioritise autonomy in emotional and logistical ways.

Hyper-Independence: A Trauma Response or a Philosophical Choice?

Hyper-independence, according to many psychologists, is often a trauma response. It manifests as an excessive need for self-reliance developed from early experiences where depending on others led to disappointment or harm. In this view, the walls built around emotional needs aren't about empowerment but protection. 

In contrast, solo polyamory and Singleish lifestyles frequently reflect intentional choices, not fear-based defences. Individuals often arrive at these identities through introspection, reading, online therapy, Counselling, or community involvement. According to Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist who has studied polyamory extensively, many solo poly individuals see themselves as relationship anarchists who value ethical non-monogamy and refuse to categorise or prioritise relationships in traditional ways.

Is Disattachment Emotionally Unhealthy?

Disattachment is often conflated with emotional detachment—a psychological defence mechanism where people disconnect from their emotions to avoid pain. However, in the context of solo polyamory, disattachment is more akin to non-possessiveness. Many solo poly individuals are still capable of deep emotional bonds but deliberately choose to avoid the social script of merging households, finances, and identities.

Emotional attachment still plays a vital role. As therapist and sex educator Dedeker Winston explains, solo polyamory isn't about rejecting intimacy but about redefining it on one's terms. Relationships may be non-hierarchical, but they are often emotionally profound and nurtured with intention.

Cultural and Psychological Influences

Solo polyamory and Singleish mindsets are rising alongside a broader cultural shift toward individualisation. As sociologist Zygmunt Bauman describes in Liquid Love (2003), modern relationships are increasingly flexible, and traditional structures like marriage or long-term cohabitation no longer serve as universal aspirations. The rise in adult singleness, remote work, and personal autonomy all reflect these trends.

Millennials and Gen Z especially value autonomy in relationships. According to a 2023 Pew Research study, nearly 40% of young adults reported being happily single and uninterested in traditional relationship structures.

Emotional Labour and Relationship Styles

One reason individuals choose solo polyamory or Singleish lifestyles is the desire to limit the emotional labor often required in monogamous partnerships. The merging of lives, managing each other’s expectations, and coordinating long-term goals can create pressure. Some individuals prefer to spread emotional needs across a polycule (a network of non-monogamous partners) or maintain fluid, less taxing emotional engagements.

This isn't to say these individuals avoid depth. Rather, they often reject obligation-based intimacy, choosing instead what psychologist Jessica Fern describes as attachment security through consent-based relationships in her book POLYSECURE. Here, emotional security is built not on exclusivity, but on communication, respect, and negotiated boundaries.

Common Misconceptions

Myth 1: Solo poly people don’t want commitment.

Reality: Many are highly committed to multiple people. Commitment just doesn’t include cohabitation or exclusivity.

Myth 2: They are afraid of intimacy.

Reality: Many seek deep intimacy without traditional merging of lives. Emotional connection doesn’t require shared leases or joint bank accounts.

Myth 3: They are selfish or non-serious.

Reality: Healthy Boundaries, honesty, and mutual respect are central to solo poly ethics. These relationships can turn into toxic relationships, therefore often require more communication than conventional ones.

Conclusion

While some individuals may arrive at these practices due to trauma or fear of vulnerability, the majority actively choose them to align with values of autonomy, honesty, and emotional flexibility.

Rather than pathologising these relationship models, we might ask: What can we learn from people who prioritise self-awareness, open communication, and non-traditional intimacy? These choices represent not an absence of connection, but an evolved understanding of it.

Contributed By: Contributed by Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Mrs. Chanchal Agarwal, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Anapol, D. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st Century. Rowman & Littlefield. Bauman, Z. (2003). Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds. Polity Press.
• Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Sheff, E. (2014). The Polyamorists Next Door. Rowman & Littlefield.
• Winston, D. (2017). The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory. Skyhorse Publishing.
• McCullough, M. (2023). What Is Solo Polyamory? [VeryWellMind]
• (https://www.verywellmind.com/solo-polyamory-can-help-you-embrace-your- independence-in-love-8612381)
• Pew Research Center. (2023). How Many Adults Are Single?
• [Link](https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2023/04/06/how-many-us-adults-are- single/)
• Nordgren, A. (2006). The Relationship Anarchy Manifesto. [relationship-anarchy.org] (https://www.relationship-anarchy.org/)
• Miller, A. (2017). The Drama of the Gifted Child. Basic Books.
• Multiamory Podcast & Resources: [multiamory.com] (https://www.multiamory.com)