Imposter syndrome is often associated with professional environments, but it can just as easily seep into personal relationships, making people feel like they don’t belong or aren’t deserving of love. When this occurs in a relationship, it can lead to self-doubt, insecurity, and even emotional distancing from a partner. But with self-awareness and the right approach, overcoming imposter syndrome in relationships is possible.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter syndrome is the persistent feeling of self-doubt, where you believe that you’re not good enough or fear being exposed as a "fraud." This might show up in relationships as feeling unworthy of love and affection, fearing you're not a good partner, or thinking your spouse will soon realize you're not as amazing as they believe you are.

Some common thoughts might be:

• "I don’t deserve them."
• "I'm not worthy of this relationship."

These negative thoughts, when left unchecked, can create unnecessary stress, anxiety, and emotional withdrawal, preventing a deep connection from flourishing. They can also contribute to depression and low self-esteem.

Signs of Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

If you’re wondering whether imposter syndrome is affecting your relationship, here are a few signs to look out for:

• Constant Fear of Rejection: You may feel that your partner will eventually leave or reject you once they realize your “true self.”
• Overcompensating: To mask your feelings of inadequacy, you may go above and beyond to "earn" love and approval, leading to exhaustion and low motivation.
• Downplaying Achievements or Qualities: You may shrug off compliments or dismiss positive feedback, believing that your partner is just being nice.
• Comparing Yourself: Constantly comparing yourself to others, whether to your partner’s exes or other couples, can lead to feelings of inferiority.
• Emotional Distancing: Due to fear of being "found out," you may unintentionally push your partner away, not allowing emotional intimacy to grow.

The Impact of Imposter Syndrome on Relationships

When these feelings take over, they can damage the trust and emotional connection in a relationship. A partner may sense your insecurity and feel confused or frustrated by the lack of communication. Worse still, imposter syndrome can make you sabotage your relationship by creating emotional distance or pushing your partner away to avoid potential rejection.

This self-sabotage can result in:

• Lack of trust
• Emotional withdrawal
• Misunderstandings and conflicts
• Not being able to be fully vulnerable and open

These behaviours can also lead to social isolation and loneliness, as you may distance yourself not only from your partner but from other people who could offer support. Anger and stress may also build up as a result of these unaddressed feelings, further complicating the emotional landscape of your relationship. The good news is that these feelings can be managed and overcome with a bit of self-awareness and intentional effort.

How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome in Relationships

• Acknowledge Your Feelings - To overcome imposter syndrome in a relationship, you must first admit that you feel this way.  Think for a moment about all the unfavourable ideas and opinions you have regarding yourself. Recognize that these feelings, although very real, are often a reflection of insecurity rather than reality. Becoming aware of your thought patterns will help you start separating fact from fiction.
• Open Up to Your Partner - Communication is key to any healthy relationship. If you’re struggling with feelings of unworthiness, it’s important to talk to your partner about them. Share your thoughts and let them know how you’ve been feeling. Often, a partner can provide reassurance and clarity, helping to dispel some of your insecurities. Vulnerability can deepen your bond, helping your partner understand your inner world more fully.
• Face Your Negative Thoughts - Start actively challenging these thoughts when they arise. For example, ask yourself for proof if you start to feel like, "I'm not good enough for them." Are there specific reasons that support this, or is it just a baseless fear? Reframing your thoughts and reminding yourself of your worth can help you combat these insecurities over time.
• Stop Comparing Yourself - Comparison is a major trigger for imposter syndrome. It’s easy to look at other couples or your partner’s past relationships and feel inadequate. However, it’s important to remember that each relationship is unique, and comparing yourself to others can only cause harm. Focus on the positives in your relationship and what you bring to the table, rather than looking outward for validation.
• Practice Self-Compassion - Excessive self-criticism can result in imposter syndrome. Develop self-compassion and gentleness toward oneself. Everybody has imperfections, and it's because of these that we are relatable and human. When you feel those waves of insecurity, remind yourself that you are deserving of love just as you are. Practising self-compassion can also build your self-esteem and improve your relationships.
• Celebrate Your Strengths - Take a step back and remind yourself of what makes you a good partner. Do you listen attentively? Do you help your partner through trying times? Are you kind, caring, and patient? By recognizing your positive traits, you can start to shift your mindset from feeling undeserving to feeling empowered and valued.
• Seek Professional Help – If your feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming or persistent, it may be helpful to seek therapy. A counsellor or therapist can help you dig deeper into the roots of your imposter syndrome, guide you in understanding your emotions, and provide strategies for building a healthier sense of self-worth. Online counselling services like TalktoAngel connect you with the best psychologists in India, offering expert relationship counselling and guidance to overcome insecurities, improve assertiveness, and foster self-improvement.

Conclusion

Contribution: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist, life coach & mentor TalktoAngel & Ms Swati Yadav, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Sanford, Amy & Ross, Elaina & Blake, Shawna & Cambiano, Renee. (2017). Finding Courage and Confirmation: Resisting Impostor Feelings through Relationships with Mentors, Romantic Partners, and Other Women in Leadership. Advancing Women in Leadership Journal. 35. DOI:10.21423/awlj-v35.a140
• Gupta S. (2023): 6 Ways to Overcome Imposter Syndrome in a Relationship, According to a Therapist https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-in-relationships-effects-and-coping-strategies-7497445