In the complex world of modern dating, new terms frequently emerge to describe problematic behaviours and red flags. One such term is "roaching," a phenomenon where a person deliberately hides the existence of other romantic or sexual partners while presenting themselves as exclusive to you. The term originates from the unpleasant visual of a roach infestation: if you see one, there are likely many more hidden. 

Understanding Roaching in the Context of Modern Dating

Roaching refers to a situation where an individual, often in a casual or undefined relationship, withholds information about their involvement with multiple other partners. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2020) highlights that deceptive behaviours like these, which exploit ambiguity in relationships, can significantly impact trust and long-term emotional well-being. Unlike cheating and infidelity in a committed relationship, roaching typically occurs in the grey area of casual dating where exclusivity is assumed but not explicitly discussed. This behaviour preys on the assumption of honesty and transparency while exploiting the lack of clear boundaries.

A key characteristic of roaching is deception by omission. The roacher avoids mentioning other partners, leading their counterparts to believe that they are the sole focus of romantic or sexual attention. Often, this behaviour stems from an unwillingness to take responsibility for clarity in the relationship or a desire to maintain multiple options without accountability.

Signs and Patterns of Roaching

Identifying roaching early on can save significant emotional distress. Below are the common signs and patterns that may indicate you are dealing with a roacher:

• Reluctance to Define the Relationship:- A hallmark of roaching is avoidance of conversations about exclusivity. A roacher might deflect questions about the relationship’s status, claiming they "don’t like labels" or "want to see where things go." Example: You bring up a discussion about whether the two of you are exclusive, and they respond with statements like, “Why do we need to label this? Can’t we just enjoy what we have?”

• Inconsistent Communication:- Roachers often exhibit erratic communication patterns, such as disappearing for hours or days without explanation. Their responses may seem vague, evasive, or overly general when asked about their availability or plans. Example: You notice they frequently avoid texting during weekends or evenings, leading to suspicions about what they’re doing during those times.

• Avoidance of Public Displays of Affection:- Many roachers avoid introducing their dates to friends or being seen together in public spaces where they might encounter others from their romantic roster. This ensures they don’t risk overlapping social circles. Example: Despite dating for several weeks, they’ve never introduced you to their friends or brought you to social gatherings.

• Vague or Contradictory Stories:- Roachers may provide unclear details about their schedule or personal lives to keep their options hidden. Over time, their stories may not add up, or they might contradict themselves when recounting events. Example: They mention being out with "friends," but when pressed for specifics, they seem hesitant or inconsistent.

• Overuse of “Privacy” as an Excuse:- While privacy is important in any relationship, roaches often overuse this as a justification for secrecy. They might refuse to share basic details about their life, claiming, “I’m a private person.” Example: They refuse to let you see their social media accounts, insisting that they “don’t post much anyway.”

Psychological Impact of Roaching

Experiencing roaching can have significant emotional and psychological effects. Victims often feel betrayed, devalued, and unsure of their judgment in relationships. The constant state of uncertainty can lead to increased anxiety, lowered self-esteem, and difficulty trusting future partners. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2020) found that deception in dating, such as withholding information about other partners, can lead to heightened feelings of betrayal and diminished self-esteem. 

Roaching exploits the implicit trust many people extend during the early stages of a relationship. When this trust is violated, it creates emotional wounds that can take time to heal. Research in attachment theory indicates that betrayals like roaching can trigger attachment insecurities, particularly for individuals with anxious or avoidant tendencies.

Unique Strategies to Avoid Roaching

• Clarify Expectations Early::- One of the most effective ways to avoid roaching is to communicate your expectations clearly from the start. Ask direct questions about their perspective on exclusivity and their intentions in dating. Example: Initiate an open discussion by saying, “I value honesty in relationships and want to understand where we stand. Are you seeing other people?”
• Look for Consistent Actions:- Observe whether their words align with their behaviour. Consistency is a key indicator of sincerity. If they claim to value the relationship but frequently act evasive or secretive, consider it a red flag. Example: Someone who values you will make an effort to introduce you to their friends or include you in their social life.
• Trust Your Instincts:-Intuition often picks up on inconsistencies before the conscious mind does. If you feel uneasy or sense that something is off, don’t ignore it. Example: If you feel they’re withholding information, take note of repeated patterns and evaluate whether the relationship aligns with your values.
• Prioritize Self-Worth:- Understand your values and set boundaries accordingly. Recognize that you deserve honesty and respect, and don’t settle for less. Example: If they avoid exclusivity conversations, assert your boundaries by saying, “I need transparency in my relationships. If that’s not something you’re ready for, I’ll need to reconsider.”

Role of Counselling and Therapy

Therapy can be invaluable for individuals affected by roaching, providing a safe space to process emotions and rebuild self-esteem. Counsellors trained in relationship dynamics can help clients identify patterns in their dating history, set healthier boundaries, and develop tools to navigate trust issues.

• Processing Emotional Pain:- Counselling allows individuals to express feelings of betrayal, confusion, or anger in a supportive environment. Techniques such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help reframe negative thought patterns stemming from the experience. Example: A therapist might guide you in challenging self-blaming thoughts like, “Why didn’t I see this coming?” by focusing on the poacher’s deceptive behaviour rather than your perceived shortcomings.

• Building Resilience:- Therapists can work with clients to strengthen their emotional resilience and self-worth, making them less susceptible to manipulative behaviours in the future. Example: Through exercises like journaling or mindfulness, clients can reconnect with their inner values and prioritize self-care.

• Improving Assertiveness:- Learning to articulate needs and boundaries effectively can prevent future situations of roaching. Therapists often use role-playing techniques to help clients practice these skills in a safe setting. Example: A counsellor might simulate a conversation about exclusivity, providing constructive feedback on how to express expectations clearly.

Conclusion

Roaching is a deceptive and emotionally damaging behaviour that exploits the lack of clear boundaries in modern dating. By understanding the signs, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-worth, individuals can protect themselves from falling victim to this red flag. Moreover, therapy and online counselling provide essential support for navigating the emotional fallout and rebuilding trust in relationships. As dating continues to evolve, fostering open communication and transparency becomes increasingly crucial in forming meaningful connections.

Contribution: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist, life coach & mentor TalktoAngel & Mr.  Utkarsh Yadav, Counselling Psychologist.

Reference:

• Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. (2020). Deceptive behaviours in modern dating and their emotional impacts. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(9), 2545–2560.