Role of Ego in Marital Conflicts

June 02 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 524 Views

Marital conflicts are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, but the underlying causes can often be complex. Among the many factors contributing to disagreements, the role of ego stands out as both a powerful and disruptive force. Ego, in its simplest terms, refers to a person’s sense of self-importance and identity. While having a healthy ego is essential for self-esteem, when it becomes inflated or overly defensive, it can cause significant tension in relationships, particularly in marriages.

In this blog, we will explore how ego plays a crucial role in marital conflicts, how it can manifest in various situations, and why understanding and managing it is key to resolving disagreements effectively. We will also touch on how online counselling platforms like TalktoAngel can assist couples in navigating these challenges and restoring harmony in their relationships.

Understanding Ego and Its Impact on Marriage

Before delving into the role of ego in marital conflicts, it’s important to first understand what ego is and how it functions within a relationship. The ego is essentially the mental image or narrative that we have of ourselves. It’s influenced by our experiences, beliefs, and desires. In the context of a marriage, ego manifests as how each partner perceives their own role, importance, and value within the relationship.

A healthy ego is essential for emotional balance and self-respect, but when it becomes overactive or fragile, it can create problems. An inflated ego may lead to arrogance, defensiveness, and a need to be right, while a fragile ego can cause insecurity, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal. In both cases, ego-driven behaviour can escalate minor conflicts into major disputes, create communication breakdowns, and lead to feelings of resentment.

Common Ways Ego Affects Marital Conflicts

1. The Need to Be Right

One of the most common ways that ego plays a role in marital conflicts is through the desire to be right. When ego takes over, partners may feel compelled to win every argument, even at the cost of their relationship’s harmony. This need to "win" stems from an inflated ego that places value on being correct or superior, often at the expense of understanding the other person’s perspective.

In a marriage, this can result in constant power struggles where both partners dig in their heels, refusing to admit fault or listen to each other’s viewpoints. Over time, this pattern of behaviour can erode trust, intimacy, and respect. The ego-driven need to be right is particularly damaging when it prevents couples from working together to find common ground or compromise.

2. Defensiveness and Emotional Withdrawal

When ego becomes fragile, it often triggers defensiveness, where one or both partners react as if they are under attack. Instead of discussing concerns with empathy, a defensive partner may respond with anger, sarcasm, or complete emotional withdrawal. These reactions are typically a way to shield themselves from perceived criticism or emotional pain.

For instance, when one partner voices dissatisfaction, the other might counterattack, shift blame, or shut down. Over time, these defensive patterns can create emotional control and misunderstandings. When both partners remain guarded, meaningful communication becomes almost impossible, increasing the risk of emotional disconnection.

3. Controlling Behaviour

Ego can also lead to controlling behaviour in a marriage. One partner may try to dominate or micromanage the other to feel in control or superior. This often stems from insecurity or a deep fear of losing power, which may be rooted in unresolved emotional struggles. A controlling partner might ignore the other’s needs, autonomy, or individuality, leading the relationship to feel oppressive.

Such patterns can create a toxic environment where one person feels unheard or unimportant. In some cases, manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting may be used, intensifying the emotional impact and even contributing to ongoing anxiety within the relationship. By addressing ego-driven behaviors early, along with their emotional consequences like stress, anger, and depression, couples can take meaningful steps toward healthier communication and a more balanced partnership.

4. Failure to Apologise or Forgive

Ego often interferes with the natural process of apology and forgiveness. When one partner is unwilling to admit fault, either due to pride or fear of appearing weak, it can create a barrier to reconciliation. Similarly, a partner who feels slighted may refuse to forgive, holding onto grudges and allowing the ego to prevent emotional healing.

This inability to apologise or forgive can prolong conflicts, causing resentment to fester.The longer the ego holds sway in these situations, the more challenging it becomes to rebuild trust and harmony.

5. Managing Ego in Marriage

While ego is a natural and inevitable part of the human psyche, it doesn’t have to be a destructive force in a marriage. Managing one’s ego and learning to put the relationship above individual pride is essential for maintaining a healthy and supportive partnership.

Here are some strategies that can help:

1. Practice Empathy and Active Listening

Instead of focusing solely on defending your own position, try to understand your partner’s perspective. Active listening—truly hearing what the other person is saying without interrupting or preparing a counterargument—can create an environment where both partners feel respected and valued. It helps both partners feel understood, reducing the need for ego-driven responses.

2. Communicate Honestly and Openly

Clear, honest communication is key to overcoming ego-based barriers. Instead of letting frustrations fester, discuss issues as they arise, using “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame on your partner. For example, saying "I felt hurt when..." rather than "You always..." allows for a more open dialogue and reduces the likelihood of defensiveness.

Open communication helps prevent misunderstandings and builds trust. When partners feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or retaliation, they can resolve conflicts more effectively and strengthen their bond.

3. Embrace Vulnerability and Apologise

A healthy relationship requires vulnerability, which can be difficult for ego-driven individuals. However, admitting when you’re wrong, apologising, and taking responsibility for your actions can significantly defuse conflict and build emotional intimacy. A sincere apology is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength and maturity.

Being willing to apologise and forgive helps break down the walls that ego can create in a marriage. It fosters an environment of mutual respect, where both partners can grow together rather than competing for dominance.

4. Seek Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes, managing ego and resolving deep-rooted conflicts in a marriage requires external support. Couples therapy can help partners navigate these challenges and learn healthier ways of interacting. A therapist can guide couples in understanding their emotional triggers, improving communication, and addressing issues of control, defensiveness, and pride.

Online counselling platforms like TalktoAngel offer convenient access to licensed therapists who specialise in relationship counselling. Whether you’re dealing with couple conflicts, communication issues, or other relationship challenges, TalktoAngel provides a safe space where couples can work through their problems with professional guidance. Online therapy allows couples to attend sessions from the comfort of their own homes, making it a flexible and accessible option for many.

Conclusion

Ego plays a significant role in many marital conflicts, often acting as a barrier to understanding, communication, and emotional connection. When inflated or fragile, the ego can cause partners to become defensive, controlling, or unwilling to compromise, leading to recurring disputes and emotional distance. However, by practising empathy, honest communication, vulnerability, and seeking professional help when needed, couples can manage their egos and restore balance in their relationships.

If you’re struggling with ego-driven conflicts in your marriage, seeking therapy can provide the tools and support you need to move forward. Platforms like TalktoAngel offer online counselling with experienced therapists who can help you and your partner navigate challenges, improve communication, and build a healthier, more harmonious relationship. The path to a fulfilling marriage begins with understanding, compromise, and a willingness to put the relationship above individual pride.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Riya Rathi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

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Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.

Kahn, J., & Schulz, M. S. (2019). Ego and marital satisfaction: Understanding the psychological roots of marital conflicts. Journal of Relationship Research, 32(2), 150-161. https://doi.org/10.1037/jrr.1039

Miller, S., & Sunde, C. (2021). Managing pride and ego in relationships: A step-by-step guide. Family Dynamics Press.

Morris, A., & Simpson, L. (2018). The impact of ego on relationship conflict and resolution strategies. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 22(4), 567-579. https://doi.org/10.1080/07293788.2018.144431