With the rise of dating apps, social media interactions, and virtual communication, forming romantic connections has become more accessible but also more complex. One trend gaining attention among relationship experts is “Shrekking”—a term used to describe the act of being ghosted, suddenly ignored, or emotionally abandoned in the dating world. While it may seem like a minor inconvenience, shrekking can have profound effects on self-esteem, emotional resilience, and future relationship choices.

What is Shrekking?

Shrekking, derived from the metaphor of being left “in the swamp” like the fictional character Shrek might inhabit, refers to situations where one partner abruptly disappears from communication without explanation. Unlike traditional breakups, shrekking offers no closure, leaving the affected individual confused, anxious, and often questioning their self-worth.

Shrekking can occur in various forms:

• Ghosting: Complete disappearance without warning or explanation.
• Benching: Retaining a backup person while looking into additional possibilities.
• Breadcrumbing: Sending minimal, inconsistent attention to keep someone interested without genuine commitment.
• Though common in casual dating and online interactions, these behaviours can trigger emotional challenges and erode confidence over time.

The Psychological Impact of Shrekking

Self-Esteem Erosion; Repeated experiences of rejection may lead individuals to internalize the rejection as a reflection of their inadequacy. This can foster negative self-talk, doubts about attractiveness, and diminished belief in one’s value as a partner (LeFebvre, 2019). Over time, self-esteem may decline, affecting not only romantic pursuits but also social and professional interactions.

• Anxiety and Trust Issues: Shrekking often leaves unanswered questions, creating uncertainty and anxiety. Individuals may obsess over what went wrong, replaying conversations and imagining reasons for the sudden disappearance. This hypervigilance can extend to future relationships, making trust and vulnerability more challenging (Fox & Andereck, 2020).
• Fear of Intimacy: Experiencing shrekking repeatedly may lead to avoidance behaviours. People may hesitate to invest emotionally in new connections, fearing rejection or abandonment. This protective mechanism can hinder the formation of deep, meaningful relationships, creating a cycle of emotional distance and loneliness.
• Social Comparison and Online Pressure: Modern dating trends are heavily influenced by social media. Observing others’ seemingly successful relationships can intensify feelings of inadequacy, especially after a shrekking experience. Social comparison amplifies negative emotions and reinforces self-critical thinking, making it difficult to maintain perspective (Valkenburg et al., 2017).

Why Shrekking is Prevalent in Modern Dating

Several factors contribute to the rise of shrekking:

• Dating Apps and Convenience: Online platforms make it easier to start and end connections with minimal effort, leading to less accountability.
• Overabundance of Options: The “paradox of choice” suggests that having too many potential partners can reduce commitment and increase the likelihood of abrupt disengagement (Schwartz, 2004)
• Cultural Shifts in Relationship Norms: Casual dating and short-term interactions have become normalized, creating environments where shrekking is less stigmatised.
• Emotional Immaturity and Avoidance: Some individuals struggle with conflict or direct communication, preferring disappearance to honest conversations.

Strategies to Protect Self-Esteem While Dating

While shrekking is often outside an individual’s control, there are ways to maintain self-worth and resilience:

• Practice Self-Compassion: Recognise that being shrekked is not a reflection of personal inadequacy. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging that dating is a complex process influenced by multiple factors beyond your control (Neff, 2011).
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Communicate expectations early in dating interactions. Clear boundaries regarding communication and commitment can help filter partners who align with your values and reduce emotional risk.
• Limit Social Comparison: While social media can offer connection, it often presents curated, idealized depictions of relationships. Limiting comparison and focusing on your personal journey can prevent unnecessary self-criticism.
• Seek Support: Talking to trusted friends, mentors, or a mental health professional can provide perspective and reassurance. Sharing experiences normalizes feelings and helps process emotional pain constructively.
• Cultivate Emotional Awareness: Reflect on your emotional responses to shrekking experiences. Journaling or mindfulness practices can help identify patterns, regulate negative emotions, and strengthen resilience for future interactions.
• Embrace Growth Mindset: Understand that dating is a learning process. Each interaction—positive or negative—provides insight into personal preferences, boundaries, and values. Approaching dating with curiosity rather than fear fosters emotional growth and confidence.

Conclusion

Shrekking is a modern dating trend that, while common, can significantly impact self-esteem, trust, and emotional well-being. By understanding its psychological effects and adopting strategies to maintain self-worth, individuals can navigate dating more mindfully. Emphasizing self-compassion, clear boundaries, and emotional awareness allows people to experience dating as a journey of growth rather than a source of anxiety.

Ultimately, the key lies in distinguishing between behaviours that reflect a partner’s shortcomings and those that define your value. Remember: being shrekked says more about the other person’s emotional choices than your worth. By prioritising mental wellness and resilience, you can approach modern dating with confidence, clarity, and self-respect.

Contributed by: Dr (Prof.) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach, & Ms. Tanu Sangwan, Counselling Psychologist

References

• Fox, J., & Andereck, K. (2020). Ghosting and the impact on interpersonal trust. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(8), 2321–2338. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520922356

• LeFebvre, L. E. (2019). Ghosting and parasocial relationships: The psychological effects of dating app behaviors. Routledge.

• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

• Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. Harper Perennial.

• Valkenburg, P. M., Peter, J., & Schouten, A. P. (2017). Social consequences of the internet for adolescents: A decade of research. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 26(6), 530–537. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721417707242