Signs and Effects of Passive Aggression in Couples

May 26 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 395 Views

Open communication and emotional honesty are key to a healthy, thriving connection in romantic relationships. However, not all conflict is expressed openly—sometimes it manifests subtly, through indirect hostility and avoidance. This is passive aggression, a common but often overlooked dynamic that can quietly erode intimacy and trust in couples. Understanding the psychological roots, signs, and long-term effects of passive aggression is essential for breaking these destructive cycles and restoring emotional connection.

What is Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression refers to the expression of negative emotions, such as anger or resentment, in an indirect, avoidant, or covert manner. Unlike overt aggression, which is direct and confrontational, passive aggression often disguises hostility through sarcasm, silent treatment, procrastination, or subtle digs. While the behaviours may seem minor on the surface, they often carry deep emotional undertones and are typically a form of emotional manipulation.

Psychologically, passive aggression is often linked to defence mechanisms, particularly repression, denial, and projection. Individuals who fear confrontation or grew up in environments where direct emotional expression was discouraged may unconsciously develop passive-aggressive habits as a maladaptive way to express dissatisfaction.

Common Signs of Passive Aggression in Relationships

Passive-aggressive behaviours may start subtly, making them hard to identify. However, over time, they can become patterns that damage the emotional foundation of a relationship. Some key signs include:

Silent Treatment: Withdrawing communication as a form of punishment without explaining the cause of hurt. This creates emotional distance and forces the partner to guess what went wrong.
Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments: Using humour to veil criticism, leaving the partner confused or hurt while avoiding direct conflict.
Intentional Forgetfulness or Procrastination: Delaying or "forgetting" to do tasks that were discussed or agreed upon, especially those that matter to the partner.
Resentful Compliance: Saying "yes" to a request but expressing resistance through sighs, eye-rolls, or dragging feet.
Blaming and Victimhood: Consistently framing oneself as the misunderstood or mistreated partner, which can invalidate the other person’s concerns.
Nonverbal Cues of Anger: Slamming doors, heavy sighing, or dismissive body language without verbal acknowledgement of upset feelings.

The Psychological Impact on Relationships

While passive aggression might seem like a way to avoid conflict, it escalates emotional tension. When negative feelings are not expressed directly, they fester and often lead to deeper resentment. This communication style undermines emotional intimacy, as both partners struggle to feel safe and understood.

For the Passive-Aggressive Partner

The individual engaging in passive-aggressive behaviour often experiences internal conflict. They may feel angry but fear abandonment or rejection if they express their true feelings. This creates a cycle of emotional suppression, which can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and chronic dissatisfaction.

For the Other Partner

The receiving partner often feels confused, gaslighted, or emotionally neglected. They may sense tension but be denied clarity or resolution. This can lead to hypervigilance, where the person is constantly analysing others’ behaviour, and over time, it may result in emotional exhaustion or depressive symptoms.

The relationship dynamic becomes one of power imbalance, as one partner controls the emotional climate while the other is left in the dark. Trust deteriorates, and unresolved issues build up beneath the surface, increasing the likelihood of long-term relational breakdown.

Addressing Passive Aggression in Couples

Healing from passive-aggressive dynamics requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, and effective communication skills. Both partners need to be willing to examine their roles and commit to healthier ways of relating. Here are some strategies:

Develop Assertive Communication: Replacing indirect hostility with honest, respectful expression of needs and boundaries. Assertiveness training can help both partners articulate their feelings without resorting to blame or silence.
Practice Emotional Literacy: Learning to identify, name, and express emotions helps reduce emotional suppression and miscommunication.
Create a Safe Space for Conflict: Couples should establish ground rules that promote respectful discussion and emotional safety during disagreements.
Seek Therapy: Working with a licensed couples therapist can help uncover the underlying roots of passive aggression, often stemming from childhood attachment wounds, family dynamics, or unresolved trauma.

Online Counselling with TalktoAngel

For many couples, seeking help can be a daunting step, especially when passive aggression has silenced open dialogue. This is where online counselling platforms like TalktoAngel offer a valuable solution. With TalktoAngel, couples can connect with qualified therapists specialising in relationship issues, communication patterns, and emotional health.

Couples can attend sessions from the comfort of their own homes thanks to the flexibility of online therapy, which lessens the anxiety associated with traditional appointments. Whether you're seeking couples therapy, anger management, or individual support for emotional regulation, TalktoAngel provides evidence-based approaches tailored to your relationship needs.

Moreover, for individuals who struggle with confrontation or emotional expression, online sessions may feel safer and less intimidating, helping initiate the healing process more comfortably.

Conclusion

Passive aggression in couples may not always be shouting, but it speaks volumes. It creates emotional barriers, distorts communication, and slowly chips away at the foundation of trust and love. Recognising the signs and understanding the psychological patterns behind these behaviours is the first step toward transformation. With compassionate effort and the right support, such as online therapy through TalktoAngel, couples can break these cycles, cultivate emotional honesty, and rebuild a relationship rooted in mutual respect and connection.

Contributed By: Contributed by Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
Gilbert, P., & Irons, C. (2005). Focused therapies and compassionate mind training for shame and self-attacking. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy (pp. 263–325). Routledge.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.