Signs of Validation-Seeking Behaviour and Ways to Heal
Signs of Validation-Seeking Behaviour and Ways to Heal
June 10 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 153 Views
In a world that constantly encourages performance, perfection, and approval, it’s easy to fall into the habit of seeking validation from others. While wanting appreciation or acknowledgement is a natural human desire, validation-seeking behaviour becomes problematic when it drives your sense of self-worth and dictates how you feel about yourself. It can manifest subtly or overtly, but left unaddressed, it can affect your relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.
What is Validation-Seeking Behaviour?
Validation-seeking is the habitual need for others to affirm your value, opinions, choices, or emotions. Rather than feeling confident in your judgments and identity, you rely on external approval to feel secure. This behaviour frequently stems from a lack of self-esteem, upbringing, or emotional scars from the past.
People who seek validation may not always realise they’re doing it. Often, it’s a deeply ingrained coping mechanism formed in childhood, perhaps from emotionally unavailable caregivers, environments where love was conditional, or frequent criticism that undermined self-confidence.
How Childhood Experience Affects Validation-Seeking Behaviour
1. Conditional Love and Approval
Suppose a child only received praise or affection when they achieved something, like getting good grades, behaving perfectly, or meeting parental expectations. In that case, they may internalize the idea that love must be earned. This often leads to a lifelong pattern of trying to "perform" or gain approval to feel worthy.
Example: A child praised only when winning competitions may grow into an adult who feels worthless unless they’re constantly achieving or being applauded.
2. Emotionally Unavailable or Dismissive Parents
Children need emotional attunement—someone who sees, hears, and values their feelings. Children may feel invisible if their caretakers minimize or disregard their feelings ("Stop crying," "You're too sensitive"). As adults, they seek validation as a way to compensate for that early emotional neglect.
Result: A deep-rooted fear of not being important or loved unless they’re constantly proving their value to others.
3. Inconsistent Parenting
Parents who were sometimes loving but other times critical or absent can create confusion. Children in this environment may grow anxious about their worth and become hypervigilant for signs of approval or rejection.
This can lead to Anxious attachment styles in relationships, constant checking in, people-pleasing, and overthinking how others perceive them.
4. High Expectations or Perfectionism
Growing up in a home where perfection was expected can cause children to associate mistakes with failure or disapproval. They may learn to tie their self-worth to achievements or perfection, and feel crushed by criticism or silence.
Later in life, they seek constant praise to ensure they’re “doing it right” and avoid the discomfort of internal self-doubt.
5. Bullying or Peer Rejection
Being teased, excluded, or rejected by peers during childhood can have a long-term impact. Children who were not accepted by their social circle may carry that wound into adulthood, becoming overly sensitive to how others perceive them. They might seek validation as protection from rejection or as proof they now "belong."
Common Signs of Validation-Seeking Behaviour in Adults
1. Constant Need for Reassurance
Do you find yourself frequently asking others, “Is this okay?” or “Did I do a good job?” even when you know the answer? While occasional reassurance is normal, a constant need for it may indicate low internal confidence and a tendency to base your worth on others’ responses.
2. Overdependence on Social Media Feedback
If your mood changes depending on how many likes, shares, or comments you get on a post, you may be tying your self-worth to external validation. Social media can create a feedback loop that reinforces the need for others’ approval.
3. Difficulty Making Decisions Alone
Validation-seekers often struggle with decision-making. You might avoid making choices without first consulting others, or feel uncomfortable trusting your instincts. This is usually due to a fear of being wrong or judged.
4. Changing Yourself to Please Others
If you frequently shift your opinions, behaviour, or style to fit in or be accepted, you’re likely seeking external approval. This can erode your authenticity and create a false sense of self over time.
5. People-Pleasing Tendencies
You say “yes” when you mean “no,” overextend yourself to avoid conflict, or worry about disappointing others. These behaviours are driven by a deep need to feel valued through others' satisfaction, even at the cost of your boundaries.
6. Low Self-Worth in the Absence of Praise
When others are silent or neutral, do you feel ignored or unworthy? Validation-seeking often creates an emotional dependence on praise, and without it, people can feel anxious, unloved, or invisible.
7. Excessive Comparison with Others
You constantly measure your success, appearance, or achievements against others. This suggests a desire to be "good enough" by using external standards and a lack of confidence within.
Why It's Harmful
While occasional validation from others can be uplifting, chronic dependence on it can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, and identity confusion. It also creates fragile relationships, as you're more likely to feel resentment when others don't provide the affirmation you crave.
Additionally, this pattern limits your personal growth. If your choices are based on what others want or expect, you may ignore your own needs and desires, ultimately living a life that doesn’t feel fully your own.
How to Heal from Validation-Seeking Behaviour
The good news is, you can break free from the cycle of validation-seeking with awareness, self-compassion, and consistent effort. Here are some practical steps:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Start by noticing your behaviour. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel anxious when I don’t get a response from someone?
- Am I doing this because I want to, or because I want someone to approve of me?
Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help uncover the underlying beliefs driving your need for validation.
2. Practice Self-Validation
Start affirming your thoughts, feelings, and decisions:
- “I did my best, and that’s enough.”
- “I trust my instincts on this.”
3. Limit Social Media Triggers
Try taking regular breaks from social media or changing your habits—post without checking likes, unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate, and remind yourself that online approval doesn’t define your real worth.
4. Strengthen Boundaries
Start saying no when you mean it. Stop over-apologising. Boundaries are not selfish—they are an act of self-respect. By reinforcing them, you teach yourself (and others) that your value doesn’t come from how much you give or how little you complain.
5. Challenge Negative Beliefs
Replace self-critical thoughts with compassionate ones. For example:
- “They may still care even if they don't reply.”
- “My worth isn’t dependent on being liked all the time.”
Cognitive-behavioural therapy, mindfulness techniques, and positive affirmations can help rewire these patterns over time.
6. Do Things Just for You
Engage in activities not for praise, but because they bring you joy or growth. Whether it’s painting, running, writing, or learning a new skill, do it without sharing it or expecting recognition. This reinforces intrinsic motivation and personal fulfillment.
7. Seek Therapy or Support Groups
Professional support can be especially helpful if your need for validation is rooted in trauma, abandonment, or chronic low self-worth. Therapy helps you process past wounds and develop healthier patterns of self-trust and emotional regulation.
The Core Message
Validation-seeking often begins as a survival mechanism. We all craved belonging, acceptance, and connection as kids. If those needs weren’t met consistently, our brains adapted to seek them in whatever way possible—even if it meant over-giving, hiding our true selves, or depending on others’ praise.
Healing Begins with Understanding
When you recognise that your adult behaviours are often rooted in your childhood experiences, it becomes easier to approach yourself with compassion, not criticism. You’re not broken or needy. You’re responding to an unmet need from long ago. Healing means learning to re-parent yourself—offering your inner child the unconditional love, safety, and validation they may have missed.
Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Sheetal Chauhan, Counselling Psychologist.
References
- Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 7–66. https://doi.org/10.1002/1097-0355(200101/04)22:1<7::AID-IMHJ2>3.0.CO;2-N
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Bantam Books.
- Selzer, L. F. (2014). Parental neglect and the origins of validation seeking. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201402/validation-seeking-and-its-origins
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