Supporting a Spouse with Self-Harming Behavior

February 10 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 624 Views

Self-harming behaviour can be a deeply distressing experience, not just for the individual engaging in it but also for their loved ones. When your spouse struggles with self-harm, it can leave you feeling helpless, scared, or unsure about how to provide support. Understanding the psychological context of self-harm and utilizing counselling approaches can be instrumental in fostering healing and recovery. This blog will explore practical ways to support your spouse while prioritizing their emotional well-being.

Understanding Self-Harming Behavior

Self-harm refers to the deliberate act of causing physical injury to oneself as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions, psychological distress, or a sense of numbness. It is often not a suicide attempt but rather a maladaptive way of managing intense feelings such as anger, sadness, or frustration. Common forms of self-harm include cutting, burning, hitting oneself, or engaging in behaviours that intentionally cause harm.

According to research, self-harming behaviour is often linked to mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It’s essential to approach this issue with empathy and a nonjudgmental attitude.

Signs That Your Spouse May Be Self-Harming

If you suspect your spouse is engaging in self-harming behaviour, some signs to watch for include:

Unexplained Injuries: Cuts, burns, or bruises with vague or inconsistent explanations.
Covering Up: Wearing long sleeves or pants even in hot weather to hide injuries.
Emotional Changes: Noticeable mood swings, irritability, or withdrawal from loved ones.
Avoidance Behavior: Reluctance to discuss emotions or past trauma.
Possession of Harmful Objects: Items like razors or lighters are stored in unusual places.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward offering meaningful support.

How to Support Your Spouse

Supporting a spouse with self-harming behaviour requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to address the issue collaboratively. Here are some practical steps you can take:

Educate Yourself Learn about self-harming behaviours and the underlying psychological factors. Understanding that self-harm is often a coping mechanism rather than a desire to end life can help you approach the situation with sensitivity. Reliable resources such as the American Psychological Association (APA) or mental health organizations can provide valuable insights.
Open a Nonjudgmental Conversation Create a safe space for your spouse to share their feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. Use open-ended questions and active listening techniques. You might say, “I’ve observed that you’ve been feeling down recently. Would you like to share what’s on your mind?”
Encourage Professional Help Encourage your spouse to seek help from a mental health professional, such as a psychologist or counsellor. Therapy approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are effective in treating self-harming behaviours. Offer to help them find a therapist or attend sessions together if they feel comfortable.
Develop Healthy Coping Strategies Work with your spouse to identify alternative coping mechanisms that can replace self-harm. Activities like journaling, mindfulness, exercise, or engaging in creative hobbies can provide healthier outlets for managing emotions.
Be Patient and Supportive Recovery from self-harm is a gradual process that may involve setbacks. Avoid expressing frustration or disappointment if your spouse struggles to stop self-harming immediately. Instead, focus on celebrating small victories and reinforcing your unconditional support.
Set Healthy Boundaries for Your Well-Being While it’s essential to support your spouse, it’s equally important to take care of your mental health. Consider seeking individual counselling to process your emotions and learn how to set healthy boundaries.

Counselling and Therapy for Couples

Couples counselling can be an effective way to address the impact of self-harm on your relationship. A trained counsellor can help you:

Improve communication and build emotional intimacy.
Develop strategies for managing stress and conflicts.
Foster a sense of teamwork in supporting your spouse’s recovery.

Therapists may also use evidence-based approaches like CBT to help both partners understand and challenge unhelpful thought patterns that contribute to emotional distress.

What Not to Do

While supporting your spouse, it’s important to avoid behaviours that may inadvertently worsen the situation:

Avoid Blame or Criticism: Refrain from blaming your spouse for their behaviour or expressing anger over their actions.
Don’t Try to Force Change: Recovery is a personal journey that requires willingness and readiness from the individual. Avoid pressuring your spouse to stop self-harming immediately.
Don’t Ignore the Problem: Pretending the issue doesn’t exist can lead to further emotional distance. Address the issue with empathy and understanding.

The Importance of Professional Help

Supporting a spouse with self-harming behaviour can be overwhelming, and professional guidance can make a significant difference. Mental health professionals can:

Provide a safe environment for your spouse to explore their emotions.
Teach coping strategies and emotional regulation techniques.
Help you, as a partner, understand your spouse’s struggles and develop a supportive approach.

A Case Example

Consider Ananya and Rohit, a couple navigating Rohit’s self-harming behaviour. Ananya felt helpless and overwhelmed but decided to educate herself about self-harm and encourage Rohit to seek therapy. With the help of a counsellor, they worked on improving communication and understanding each other’s emotional needs. Rohit gradually adopted healthier coping mechanisms, and their relationship grew stronger through mutual support and compassion.

Conclusion

Supporting a spouse struggling with self-harming behaviour can be challenging, but with the right approach, it is possible. Educating yourself about self-harm, fostering open and non-judgmental communication, and encouraging professional support through online counselling can make a significant difference. Platforms like TalktoAngel connect individuals with the best psychologists in India, offering therapies such as CBT and DBT to address underlying emotional distress. Remember, patience, empathy, and self-care are essential in navigating this journey together while ensuring both you and your spouse receive the support needed for healing.

Contributed by: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach & Ms. Sakshi Dhankar, Counselling Psychologist

References

Klonsky, E. D. (2007). The functions of deliberate self-injury: A review of the evidence. Clinical Psychology Review, 27(2), 226-239.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
American Psychological Association. (2021). Understanding and overcoming self-injury. Retrieved from www.apa.org
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). (2021). Self-harm: Warning signs and how to help. Retrieved from www.nami.org