The Role of Alexithymia in Marital Conflict

February 19 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 573 Views

Marriage is often viewed as a partnership rooted in deep emotional connection, where partners communicate openly, understand each other’s needs, and provide unwavering support. However, relationships are rarely free of conflict. Emotional disconnects, misunderstandings, and miscommunications are common, but when one or both partners struggle with recognizing or expressing emotions, the conflicts can be much more profound. One such factor that can create significant strain in marriages is alexithymia, a psychological condition where individuals find it difficult to identify, describe, and understand their emotions. In this blog, we will explore how alexithymia affects premarital relationships, contributing to conflicts and emotional distance, while also discussing ways couples can address these challenges.

What is Alexithymia?

The term alexithymia is derived from Greek, meaning "lack of words for emotions." Essentially, it refers to a person’s difficulty in identifying and articulating their emotional experiences. Those with alexithymia often find it challenging to recognize their feelings, or if they can, they struggle to put them into words. Furthermore, they may have difficulty understanding the emotions of others, making social interactions and emotional connections quite challenging.

At its core, alexithymia affects emotional awareness, which plays a crucial role in interpersonal relationships, especially in marriage. A person with alexithymia might not only find it hard to identify feelings like sadness or anger but may also struggle to understand what their partner is feeling. This leads to a lack of emotional empathy and can create a significant rift in the relationship.

The Emotional Disconnect: A Major Factor in Marital Conflict

In any healthy marriage, effective communication and emotional support are critical to resolving conflicts. Partners are expected to share their feelings, address issues openly, and provide comfort and understanding when difficulties arise. However, when alexithymia is present, this dynamic becomes challenging.

Imagine a situation where one spouse feels deeply frustrated or hurt but cannot express these emotions in words. The person with alexithymia may not even recognize why they are upset or what the underlying cause of their emotions is. As a result, they may either withdraw or become passive, unable to articulate their concerns. Meanwhile, the other spouse might interpret this withdrawal as neglect or indifference, leading to increased frustration. As misunderstandings mount, a seemingly small issue can quickly escalate into a larger conflict. Without the ability to discuss feelings, the emotional gap between the couple deepens, causing resentment and emotional distance.

The Strain on Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution in any marriage requires emotional honesty, empathy, and the ability to understand and resolve underlying issues. For individuals with alexithymia, conflict resolution becomes particularly difficult, as they may not have the emotional language needed to navigate a disagreement.

In a typical conflict, one partner may express frustration, while the other listens and responds with empathy. However, in a relationship where one partner has alexithymia, that same frustration may go unspoken or be communicated in vague terms that the other partner cannot interpret. This communication breakdown can lead to both spouses feeling unheard or misunderstood, even though they may have similar desires for resolution. Without the tools to effectively communicate emotions or even understand what they’re feeling, the couple may default to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as shutting down or resorting to passive-aggressive behaviours. Instead of resolving issues, the emotional gridlock only increases, leading to deeper rifts.

Impact on Empathy and Emotional Intimacy

Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intimacy in any relationship, and it’s one of the first casualties when alexithymia is involved. A person with alexithymia may genuinely care for their partner but struggle to recognize emotional cues like sadness, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, distress, or joy in the other person. They may even fail to respond to these emotional signals appropriately, which can be misinterpreted as a lack of interest or care.

For example, when a partner expresses vulnerability—whether by crying, sharing a deep fear, or expressing emotional abuse—someone with alexithymia might respond in an emotionally neutral or detached manner. This can leave the spouse feeling emotionally unsupported and neglected, ultimately leading to a breakdown in emotional intimacy. Furthermore, when one partner withdraws emotionally or struggles to empathize, the other may be lonely and frustrated. Over time, this emotional distance can undermine the foundation of the relationship, making it harder for the couple to find their way back to connection.

The Communication Challenge

Communication is arguably the most important skill in any relationship, and in the case of alexithymia, it can also be one of the most challenging. When one or both partners struggle with emotional expression, the ability to convey needs, desires, and frustrations becomes limited. This creates a communication breakdown that exacerbates marital issues. A person with alexithymia may avoid discussions about feelings, resorting to logical or factual explanations instead. Meanwhile, their partner may crave emotional connection and seek to express feelings of hurt, need, or longing. These conflicting communication styles often lead to frustration, as one partner may feel that their emotions are not being validated, while the other feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of the conversation. Furthermore, the partner without alexithymia may begin to feel rejected, as their spouse appears unable to understand or respond to their emotional needs. This, in turn, may lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation, and even resentment, further compounding the marital issues at hand.

Addressing Alexithymia in Marriages: Paths to Healing

While alexithymia can present significant challenges in marriage, it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Couples can take steps to improve communication, build emotional awareness, and navigate the complexities of their relationship.

Therapy and Counseling: Couples counselling can provide a safe space for both partners to explore their emotional struggles. A therapist can help couples develop new ways of communicating emotions, address misunderstandings, and foster greater empathy between partners.
Developing Emotional Awareness: For individuals with alexithymia, learning to identify and label emotions is an essential step toward improving emotional expression. Engaging in mindfulness practices, journaling, or working with a therapist can help increase emotional awareness over time.
Creating an Empathetic Environment: It’s essential for the partner without alexithymia to approach the relationship with patience and empathy. Understanding that alexithymia is not a personal failing but a condition that requires compassion can help reduce frustration and encourage open communication.
Building Emotional Vocabulary Together: Couples can work together to expand their emotional vocabulary, helping the partner with alexithymia identify and express their feelings. This can be an empowering way to bridge the emotional gap and foster greater connection.

Conclusion: Bridging the Emotional Gap with Support

Alexithymia can be a subtle but powerful force in marital conflict, leading to emotional misunderstandings, communication breakdowns, and a lack of intimacy. However, with understanding, support, and professional guidance, couples can work through the challenges that alexithymia presents. If you and your partner are struggling with these issues, seeking professional help can make a significant difference in rebuilding emotional connection and resolving conflicts.

Online counselling services like TalktoAngel provide an accessible platform for couples and individuals dealing with emotional difficulties, including alexithymia. With licensed therapists who specialize in emotional awareness and relationship dynamics, TalktoAngel can help you and your partner develop the tools needed to communicate more effectively, foster resiliency empathy, and work toward a healthier, more connected marriage. By taking the first step towards understanding and healing, you can turn the emotional barriers caused by alexithymia into opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.

Contributed by: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach & Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist

References

Taylor, G. J., & Bagby, R. M. (2004). New trends in alexithymia research. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 56(1), 53-63. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0022-3999(03)00088-1

Fukunishi, I. (2002). Alexithymia and psychosomatic diseases: A review of the literature. The Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 53(6), 529-533. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0022-3999(02)00333-1

Honkalampi, K., Hintikka, J., Kylmä, J., & Lehtonen, J. (2000). Alexithymia and depression: A review of the literature. Journal of Affective Disorders, 58(3), 267-275. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0165-0327(99)00168-1