Understand Why People Ghost in Modern Dating

May 16 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 467 Views

In the age of digital romance, dating apps, and instant messaging, relationships can begin—and end—with just a swipe or a “seen” message. Ghosting leaves the other person confused, hurt, and often questioning what went wrong.

But why do people ghost? What psychological factors underlie this behaviour? While ghosting may seem like a cold and immature exit strategy, it often reveals deeper patterns related to attachment styles, conflict avoidance, and emotional regulation.

What Is Ghosting?

The term is most commonly associated with dating, but ghosting can occur in friendships, the workplace, or even within families. In romantic contexts, it typically happens after a few dates or even weeks of connection, and it often coincides with a shift in interest or emotional discomfort.

1. Avoidant Attachment and Emotional Distance

One of the most researched psychological frameworks for understanding behaviour in romantic relationships is attachment theory. Developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory outlines how early experiences with caregivers shape our relational patterns in adulthood.

Individuals who have an avoidant attachment style are more likely to desire independence than closeness. They often have difficulty with emotional vulnerability and may withdraw when they feel too close or overwhelmed. For avoidant individuals, ghosting is a way to maintain emotional control without having to confront their discomfort.

They can avoid potentially awkward conversations or emotional demands by ghosting. In other words, they don’t ghost because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to manage emotional closeness or navigate healthy detachment.

2. Fear of Confrontation and Conflict Avoidance

Ghosting can also be explained through the lens of conflict avoidance, a common interpersonal trait where individuals avoid difficult conversations to prevent discomfort. Instead of expressing disinterest, some people simply disappear, hoping the problem will resolve itself.

From a psychological perspective, this behaviour can be linked to low emotional intelligence and poor communication skills. Emotionally avoidant individuals may lack the coping mechanisms to deal with rejection or to deliver it. They fear the awkwardness, guilt, or emotional intensity that might come with being honest.

Moreover, the digital medium offers a convenient escape hatch—unlike in-person relationships, it’s easier to block, mute, or ignore someone online without facing immediate social consequences.

3. Deindividuation and Online Disinhibition Effect

Ghosting is also amplified by the nature of online communication. The anonymity and psychological distance provided by dating apps and texting contribute to what psychologists call the online disinhibition effect (Suler, 2004). This concept explains how people behave differently online than they do in face-to-face interactions, often expressing or acting in ways they wouldn’t in person.

This is closely tied to deindividuation, where individuals feel less personally accountable for their actions due to the perceived invisibility or detachment of the online environment. When combined with minimal investment in short-term connections, the temptation to ghost becomes even stronger.

Ghosting, in this sense, becomes a symptom of our digital age—a product of quick, low-commitment interactions and reduced social accountability.

4. Cognitive Dissonance and Self-Justification

When people ghost, they often engage in internal rationalisation to reduce cognitive dissonance—the psychological discomfort caused by holding two conflicting beliefs or behaviours. For example, someone may believe that they are a kind, considerate person, but also choose to ghost someone rather than be honest.

To resolve this tension, they might justify their behaviour with thoughts like, “They probably weren’t that into me anyway”, or “It’s better this way.” These self-justifications help maintain a positive self-image while avoiding the emotional labor of breaking things off respectfully.

Ghosters may also underestimate the impact of their actions due to empathy gaps, assuming the other person will get over it quickly or wasn't emotionally invested.

The Psychological Impact of Being Ghosted

It often triggers rejection sensitivity, lowers self-esteem, causes stress as well as anxiety, and increases rumination—the repetitive focus on distressing thoughts. The ambiguity can make it harder to emotionally process the end of the connection or breakup, leading to prolonged emotional discomfort.

Studies show that people interpret ghosting as a form of social exclusion, which activates the same brain areas associated with physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003). This illustrates why ghosting can feel disproportionately painful, even in brief or casual connections.

Conclusion

Ghosting may be common in the modern dating landscape, but understanding its psychological roots helps us respond with more clarity and self-improvement. Whether you’ve ghosted or been ghosted, these behaviours are often driven by avoidant attachment, fear of emotional discomfort, and the disinhibiting effects of digital platforms, not necessarily cruelty or malice.

Increasing emotional intelligence, improving communication skills, and developing awareness of our attachment patterns can help foster healthier relationship dynamics. In the end, digital dating doesn’t have to mean disposable connections. A bit of honesty—even when uncomfortable—can go a long way toward creating more respectful and human-centred interactions.

Contributed By: Contributed by Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290–292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.108913
Suler, J. (2004). The online disinhibition effect. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 7(3), 321–326. https://doi.org/10.1089/1094931041291295