When we think of someone with a "passive-aggressive" personality, we might imagine them as being sneaky or difficult to understand. But passive-aggressive behavior is much more complex than that. It’s a type of behavior where someone expresses negative feelings of resentment in indirect ways, rather than openly addressing their issues. This blog will explore what passive-aggressive personality disorder is, its signs, causes, and ways to deal with it.

What is Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder (PAPD)?

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when a person expresses anger, stress, or frustration in an indirect way, rather than being open about their feelings. Passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) is a psychological condition where a person consistently behaves in this way. It's important to note that everyone can be passive-aggressive at times, but when it becomes a persistent pattern of behaviour, it could point to a deeper issue, often related to underlying anxiety, depression, or unresolved emotional struggles like loneliness or insomnia.

People with passive-aggressive personalities may struggle to express their anger, disappointment, or frustration directly. Instead, they may do so through subtle actions or words. Over time, this can create confusion, frustration, and tension in relationships with family, friends, and coworkers. If untreated, this emotional strain may lead to more severe mental health concerns, such as depression, anger management issues, or even anxiety disorders.

Signs of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

It’s not always easy to identify passive-aggressive behavior because it can be quite subtle. However, there are several signs that someone may be exhibiting passive-aggressive traits:

• Procrastination: One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors is procrastination. Instead of outright refusing to complete a task, the person might delay it repeatedly, causing frustration to others and increasing stress levels.
• Sarcasm or Backhanded Compliments: A person with a passive-aggressive personality may use sarcasm to disguise their true feelings. For example, they might say, "Wow, you're looking great today... for once," masking their anger or resentment in what seems like a compliment.
• Sulking or Silent Treatment: Instead of directly confronting issues, individuals with PAPD might withdraw emotionally and give the "silent treatment." This can make others feel guilty or confused without understanding the root cause of their behavior. The silent treatment can also contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
• Subtle Resistance to Authority: People with passive-aggressive traits may agree to do something but then find ways to sabotage or delay it. This could be through poor performance, mistakes, or other subtle ways to avoid fulfilling expectations. This type of resistance can trigger stress and increase feelings of resentment.
• Victimization: Those with PAPD might often play the victim, avoiding responsibility for their actions or blaming others for their problems. They may feel like they are always unfairly treated, but never directly confront the issue. This can lead to a cycle of depression and internalized anger.
• Complaining: Complaints may often be vague, generalized, or exaggerated. Instead of offering constructive feedback, they may complain about situations or people without taking any action to resolve the issue. Over time, this can fuel anger and frustration.
• Hostility in Non-verbal Cues: Often, passive-aggressive people will show signs of anger or resentment through body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice, without directly stating their feelings. This hidden hostility can lead to unresolved conflict and stress in relationships.

Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Several factors may contribute to the development of a passive-aggressive personality. Some of the key causes include:

• Childhood Experiences: Often, individuals develop passive-aggressive tendencies as a result of their upbringing. If children are taught to suppress their feelings, or if they see negative behaviours modelled by parents, they may learn to express frustration in indirect ways. These unresolved emotional patterns can lead to anxiety, stress, or even depression in adulthood.
• Fear of Conflict: Some people find it hard to deal with conflict head-on. They may feel that expressing their anger or frustration will lead to rejection or disapproval, so they resort to passive-aggressive behaviors as a way to avoid confrontation while still expressing dissatisfaction. This fear can trigger deeper issues like anxiety, stress, and insomnia.
• Low Self-Esteem: People who struggle with low self-esteem may feel that their opinions and emotions are not valued, leading them to express resentment indirectly, rather than assertively. This lack of self-worth can often be linked to depression or heightened stress.
• Cultural or Social Conditioning: In certain cultures, confrontation or the expression of anger is considered inappropriate or unacceptable. This can lead individuals to develop passive-aggressive behaviors as a way to cope with their emotions in a socially acceptable manner. In such environments, the emotional toll may lead to issues like loneliness, insomnia, or anxiety.

Impact of Passive-Aggressive Personality

Living or working with someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behaviour can be emotionally draining. It often creates an atmosphere of confusion and uncertainty, where others are unsure of what the person truly feels. Over time, this can strain relationships, both personally and professionally. If left unaddressed, this pattern can contribute to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression.

For example, a passive-aggressive coworker may agree to a task but then drag their feet or make excuses, causing frustration for the team. In a personal relationship, a passive-aggressive partner may avoid direct communication, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved issues. This type of indirect behaviour often prevents people from addressing their concerns and building healthier relationships.

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Address the Behavior Directly: If you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person, it's important to approach the issue calmly and directly. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to express their feelings openly. Therapy techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or even Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) can help individuals develop better communication skills.

• Set Boundaries: It’s essential to set clear and firm boundaries with individuals who display passive-aggressive behaviour. Let them know that indirect communication is not acceptable, and encourage open dialogue. This helps prevent further stress and emotional burnout.
• Encourage Open Communication: If you notice passive-aggressive behavior in someone close to you, try to create an environment where they feel safe expressing their emotions directly. Encourage honesty and openness, making it clear that it's okay to express frustration healthily and constructively. If necessary, an online counsellor or online psychologist can help facilitate these conversations in a more structured way.
• Seek Professional Help: In cases where passive-aggressive behaviour is persistent or damaging to relationships, seeking professional help from a counsellor or therapist may be necessary. Therapy can help individuals develop better communication skills and address underlying issues such as fear of conflict, low self-esteem, or deeper emotional struggles. Consider reaching out to the best psychiatrist in India or an online counsellor if you're looking for professional guidance from the comfort of your home.
• Practice Self-Care: Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can be emotionally exhausting. It's important to take care of yourself, maintain your emotional boundaries, and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Therapy options such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) or anger management therapy can be helpful in managing the emotional toll.

Conclusion

While passive-aggressive behaviour can be frustrating, understanding its roots and signs can help you navigate these situations with patience and empathy. People with passive-aggressive personalities may not even realize they are acting this way, and with the right support, they can learn healthier ways of expressing their emotions. Whether you're dealing with a passive-aggressive person in your personal or professional life, remember that open, respectful communication is key to resolving misunderstandings and building healthier relationships. If you or someone you know is struggling with passive-aggressive behaviour, seeking professional counselling, including online counselling or therapy, can provide valuable support and guidance in addressing underlying issues such as anger, stress, or even insomnia.

Contributed by: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist & Life Coach &  Ms. Sakshi Dhankhar, Counselling Psychologist

References:

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
• National Institute of Mental Health. (2018). Personality disorders. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov
• Berry, D. L. (2015). "Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Children." Child Psychology & Psychiatry Review.