Strong marriages are built on trust, mutual respect, emotional support, and daily efforts to grow together. While many couples focus on romantic gestures and shared interests to enhance their relationships, psychological principles can also offer surprising tools for deepening connection. An intriguing psychological principle known as the Ben Franklin Effect can be intentionally applied to deepen the connection and strengthen the bond between partners in a marriage.

What Is the Ben Franklin Effect?

The Ben Franklin Effect is a cognitive bias that suggests we grow to like people more after doing them a favour, not the other way around. This concept stems from an observation made by Benjamin Franklin, who once turned a political adversary into a friend by asking to borrow a rare book from him. After the man complied with the request, he began to view Franklin more favourably. Psychologists later explored and validated this idea, finding that people tend to reduce cognitive dissonance by justifying their helpful behaviour—telling themselves, “I helped this person; therefore, I must like them.”

While it might seem counterintuitive, doing a favour for someone increases our affection toward them because our brains interpret our helpful behaviour as evidence of a positive emotional connection. This principle, when applied intentionally, can be a powerful tool in close relationships, especially in marriage.

Applying the Ben Franklin Effect in Marriage

Marriage is full of give-and-take. Couples routinely help each other with chores, parenting, finances, and emotional support. But over time, some couples fall into patterns where one partner gives more, or both begin to keep emotional "scorecards." This can lead to resentment and emotional distance. The Ben Franklin Effect encourages couples to rethink the act of asking for help, not just offering it.

• Ask for Small Favours:- Often, people hesitate to ask their partner for help with small tasks out of fear of burdening them. However, requesting a favour—like help with organising something, editing a document, or running a quick errand—can strengthen the emotional bond. The partner doing the favour begins to subconsciously reinforce their affection and commitment to the relationship. It nurtures a sense of usefulness, appreciation, and connection.
• Create Shared Responsibility:- Using the Ben Franklin Effect in your marriage doesn’t mean manipulating your partner, but rather inviting them to be more involved in the relationship in meaningful ways. When both spouses regularly ask for and offer help, it fosters mutual respect and teamwork. This shared responsibility builds emotional intimacy over time.
• Rekindle Warmth During Conflict:- Marital are inevitable, but the way couples handle them makes all the difference. During or after an argument, asking your spouse for a small favour—such as making tea or helping with a task—can be a subtle way to shift the dynamic. It encourages cooperative behaviour and can serve as a nonverbal signal of reconciliation, helping to reduce lingering tension and repair emotional closeness.
• Improve Communication and Vulnerability:- When one partner asks for a favour, it involves a small level of vulnerability. This willingness to rely on your spouse demonstrates trust and emotional openness. Over time, such moments of mutual support can enhance emotional intimacy and create a more secure attachment.

Real-Life Example: A Couple’s Story

Take the example of Raj and Meera, a married couple who had grown emotionally distant over the years. Meera, feeling underappreciated, began to withdraw, while Raj focused more on work and less on communication. After attending a marriage counselling session, their therapist introduced them to the concept of the Ben Franklin Effect.

Raj was encouraged to ask Meera for help with a project he was working on—a simple task like reviewing a few slides for a work presentation. Although hesitant, Meera agreed. The act of helping him and being appreciated for it triggered a shift in her mindset. She began to feel needed and valued again. Raj, in turn, started noticing ways he could ask for and offer support more consistently. These small interactions helped them rebuild trust and emotional intimacy over time.

Combining the Ben Franklin Effect with Other Relationship Strategies

While the Ben Franklin Effect is a powerful tool, it works best when integrated with other healthy relationship practices. Here are a few complementary strategies:

• Express gratitude frequently – Appreciating your partner’s help reinforces the positive loop.
• Practice active listening – Be fully present when your spouse shares something, even small talk.
• Offer help without keeping score – Generosity should feel like a gift, not a transaction.
• Check in emotionally – Ask your partner how they’re doing emotionally and mentally.

Together, these approaches create a strong foundation where psychological tools like the Ben Franklin Effect can flourish.

When to Seek Additional Help

Not all marital issues can be solved with small behavioural changes. If you find that emotional disconnect, stress, recurring couple conflicts, or lack of communication are persistent issues in your marriage, professional support can help. Therapy can provide a safe and structured environment to explore deeper issues and learn healthy ways to rebuild your connection.

Conclusion: Taking the First Step

Strengthening your marriage doesn’t always require grand gestures or dramatic changes. Sometimes, it starts with something as simple as asking your partner for a small favour. The Ben Franklin Effect reminds us that our actions influence our feelings—and that every interaction is an opportunity to deepen connection, even in subtle ways.

If you and your spouse feel stuck or  emotional control, therapy can offer fresh perspectives and practical tools. For those looking for convenient and confidential support, TalktoAngel offers online counseling with licensed relationship and marriage counsellors. You can access online therapy from the comfort of your home, making it easier to prioritise your emotional well-being.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Aronson, E. (1999). The Social Animal (8th ed.). W. H. Freeman.
• Jecker, J., & Landy, D. (1969). Liking a person as a function of doing him a favor. Human Relations, 22(4), 371–378. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872676902200407
• Myers, D. G., & Twenge, J. M. (2019). Social Psychology (13th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.