Denial is a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves from uncomfortable truths. While it may offer temporary relief, long-term denial can lead to serious consequences, especially if it prevents individuals from addressing significant issues. Whether the denial revolves around physical health issues, addiction, relationships, or other personal problems, it’s important to approach the situation with care and understanding. Below are elaborated strategies to help you effectively deal with people in denial, fostering awareness and encouraging a healthier outlook.

• Practice Empathy

Empathy is the cornerstone of effectively dealing with someone in denial. It involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and understanding their emotional state without judgment. Denial often arises from fear, shame, or deep emotional pain. For instance, someone who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness might be in denial because they are scared of what the future holds. Acknowledging their fears and showing compassion creates a safe space where they feel understood rather than judged.

Empathy can be shown through active listening—giving them your full attention and reflecting their feelings to them. Phrases like, "I can see that this is difficult for you," or "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed," can help them feel validated. The goal is to make them feel safe enough to express their feelings and slowly come to terms with the reality they are avoiding.

• Use Open-Ended Questions

Instead of confronting the person with statements that might feel accusatory or dismissive, use open-ended questions to gently guide them towards self-reflection. Open-ended questions are those that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." For example, if someone is in denial about their financial difficulties, rather than saying, "You’re in denial about your spending habits," you might ask, "How do you feel about the way things are going financially?" or "What do you think would happen if you continue on this path?"

These types of questions encourage the person to think critically about their situation and may lead them to recognize the issue on their own. The key is to be patient and avoid pushing them too hard, as this can lead to defensiveness and further entrenchment in denial.

• Offer Support, Not Solutions

When someone is in denial, they are not ready to accept solutions or advice, no matter how well-intentioned. Offering unsolicited solutions can feel overwhelming and may even reinforce their denial as a protective measure. Instead, focus on offering support by letting them know you are there for them whenever they are ready to talk or take action.

For example, if a friend is in denial about their mental health, rather than saying, "You need to see a therapist," you might say, "I’m here for you if you ever need to share or require a listening ear." This method might make the client feel more supported than compelled, which is essential for enabling them to come to terms with their situation at their own pace.

• Present Facts Gently

When dealing with someone in denial, presenting facts and evidence is often necessary, but it must be done with care. Factual information can help break through denial by offering an objective perspective. However, the way these facts are presented is crucial. A harsh delivery may cause the person to shut down or retreat further into denial.

For instance, if someone is in denial about a health condition, you might gently share relevant medical information or suggest reading materials that provide a clearer understanding of the condition. You're able to offer, "I found a few things which could streamline issues; would you be prepared to speak over it in conjunction?" Framing the conversation as a joint effort helps minimize the chance of triggering defensiveness.

• Avoid Enabling

Enabling behaviours are those that, intentionally or unintentionally, allow someone to continue in their denial. This might involve ignoring the problem, making excuses for them, or even participating in behaviours that support their denial. While it can be tempting to avoid confrontation to keep the peace, enabling only reinforces the denial and can lead to more significant issues down the line.

For example, if a loved one is in denial about an addiction, refusing to acknowledge the problem or covering for them when they miss work only delays their confrontation with reality. Instead, establish healthy boundaries that make it clear you cannot support harmful behaviours. Saying something along the lines of, "I love you, but I can't keep ignoring what's happening," might be appropriate in this situation. Although I'm here for you, I can't condone this conduct."

• Encourage Professional Help

Denial, particularly when it’s deeply rooted, often requires professional intervention. Encourage the person to seek help from a therapist, counsellor, or psychologist who can provide the tools and techniques needed to address their denial. Mental health professionals are trained to work with individuals in denial and can guide them through the process of acceptance in a structured and supportive environment.

If the person is resistant, you might offer to help them find a suitable professional or even accompany them to an appointment. It’s important to emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness and that professional support can be a crucial step toward healing and growth.

• Be Patient

Breaking through denial is not a quick process. It often involves a slow, gradual acceptance of reality, and the person may need time to process their feelings before they are ready to confront the truth. Patience is essential in this process. You may need to repeat conversations, offer support multiple times, and be there for the person as they navigates their emotions.

Understand that progress may be slow and that setbacks are possible. The key is to remain consistent in your support and patient in your expectations. Remember that forcing someone to confront reality before they are ready can lead to resistance rather than resolution.

• Set Boundaries

While it’s important to be supportive, you also need to protect your well-being. Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with someone in denial, especially if their behaviour begins to negatively impact you or others. Boundaries help maintain a healthy relationship while also signalling that denial is not acceptable.

For example, if a friend is in denial about destructive behaviour, you might say, "I care about you, but I can’t continue to be around this behaviour. I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk or seek help, but I need to protect my well-being." Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning the person; rather, it shows that you value your relationship and want it to be based on honesty and mutual respect.

• Use "I" Statements

When discussing sensitive topics with someone in denial, using "I" statements can help express your concerns without making the person feel attacked. "I" statements focus on your feelings and experiences rather than placing blame or making accusations.

For example, You may say, "I feel very worried if I observe us hurting over this particular problem," instead of, "You're neglecting the challenge at hand because it's impacting anyone and that's why we are lending a hand." By using this approach, when a conversation starts, the other party become less self-centred and more open to listening.

• Recognize When to Step Back

Despite your best efforts, there may be times when the person in denial is simply not ready to change. In these cases, it’s important to recognize when to step back. Excessive exertion may result in resistance and cause strain in the connection. Stepping back doesn’t mean giving up on them; it means acknowledging that they need to reach acceptance on their terms and in their own time.

Let them know you’re there for them whenever they’re ready but respect their autonomy in making decisions about their own life. Sometimes, giving them space is the most supportive thing you can do, allowing them to process their emotions and come to terms with reality in their way.

Encouraging self-improvement can help individuals address their denial. Techniques such as mindfulness can aid in processing emotions like anger and anxiety, allowing them to gain insight into their feelings and foster resilience.

By implementing these strategies, you can create a supportive environment that encourages acceptance and healing while respecting the individual’s journey toward self-improvement.

Conclusion

Dealing with someone in denial is a delicate process that requires a balance of empathy, patience, and strategic communication. By creating a supportive environment, encouraging self-reflection, and gently presenting facts, you can help the person move toward acceptance. However, it’s essential to recognize your limitations and encourage professional help when necessary. Online counselling can be a valuable resource, providing access to top psychologists in India who are experienced in guiding individuals through denial and toward a healthier, more accepting mindset. Whether through in-person sessions or virtual support, these professionals can offer the expertise needed to help individuals face their challenges and begin the journey toward healing.

Contribution: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist, life coach & mentor TalktoAngel & Ms Nicole Fernandes, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• American Psychological Association. (2023). Understanding denial and its role in mental health. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org
• Cherry, K. (2020). How denial works as a defence mechanism. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com
• Smith, M., & Robinson, L. (2023). Denial: When it helps, when it hurts. HelpGuide. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org