Love is a beautiful emotion, but sometimes, it can feel intense, overwhelming, and even confusing. If you've ever had feelings for someone that took over your thoughts day and night, so much so that you couldn't concentrate on anything else, you may have experienced something called limerence.

In the world of psychology and counselling, limerence is not the same as love. It's often described as an obsessive form of infatuation, where someone becomes emotionally and mentally fixated on another person, usually in the early stages of romantic attraction. But what exactly is limerence, and how does it affect our mental well-being?

What is Limerence?

The term limerence was first introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the late 1970s. She described it as a strong emotional state in which a person feels intense longing for emotional connection or romantic reciprocation from another person, often called the limerent object.

People in limerence often experience:

• Constant, intrusive thoughts about the person
• Idealisation of the person—they see only the good qualities and ignore any flaws
• Extreme excitement when they receive attention or validation from the person
• Feelings of anxiety, despair, or sadness when their interest is not returned
• A strong desire to know what the other person is thinking or feeling
• A tendency to read too much into small gestures, like a smile or a text message

This emotional state can be so overwhelming that it affects daily functioning. People may find it hard to focus at work, maintain relationships, or take care of themselves because their minds are always on the object of their desire.

How is Limerence Different from Love?

Limerence and love might seem similar at first because they both involve strong emotional feelings. However, there are some important differences.

Limerence is usually more about longing and obsession than a healthy, two-way relationship. It often happens in the early stages of attraction or even without a real relationship. It’s mostly based on fantasy—on what we imagine the other person to be, rather than who they are. Love, on the other hand, is deeper and more grounded. It involves acceptance, mutual care, and emotional security. It’s based on understanding and connection, not just intense feelings or the desire to be with someone. In simple terms, limerence is like being addicted to the idea of someone, while love is about truly knowing and supporting each other.

Is Limerence a Mental Health Issue?

Limerence is not considered a mental illness on its own, but it can become emotionally unhealthy, especially if it interferes with your daily life or relationships.

In counselling, people struggling with limerence may show signs of:

• Anxiety or panic when the person doesn’t respond
• Low self-esteem is tied to the attention or approval of the other person
• Depression occurs when there is no hope for a relationship
• Emotional dependence, where self-worth is connected to how the other person behaves

In some cases, limerence can lead to obsessive behaviours, such as constantly checking the person’s social media, over analyzing messages, or even stalking. This is when professional help from a psychologist or counsellor is strongly recommended.

What Causes Limerence?

Several factors can contribute to limerence, such as:

• Unmet emotional needs – A person who feels lonely or unloved may become overly attached to someone who gives them attention.
• Low self-esteem – People with low self-worth may seek validation through romantic obsession.
• Past relationship trauma – A history of rejection or abandonment may increase the desire to be “chosen.”
• Unrealistic romantic beliefs – Thinking one person can "complete" them or solve their problems may lead to intense idealisation.

Often, limerence serves as a form of escape—a way to distract from real-life pain or dissatisfaction.

Can Limerence Be Treated?

Yes, with the right guidance and support, limerence can be managed. In therapy or counselling, the goal is to help individuals:

• Gain awareness of their thoughts and behaviours
• Identify emotional needs that are being projected onto the other person
• Build self-esteem and emotional resilience
• Practice setting healthy boundaries
• Replace fantasy with reality-based thinking

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is especially helpful in treating limerence because it helps clients challenge irrational thoughts and develop healthier thinking patterns. Mindfulness-based therapy can also help in managing obsessive thinking and anxiety.

When Should You Seek Help?

If your feelings for someone affect your peace of mind, work, relationships, or daily life, it’s time to reach out. Limerence can be painful and isolating, but you’re not alone, and help is available. Counselling provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore your emotions and understand what’s driving your attachment. With the help of a trained mental health professional, you can regain clarity, rebuild your self-worth, and move forward in a healthier direction.

Conclusion

Limerence is not the same as love. It is a powerful emotional state that can feel magical at first, but may turn unhealthy if left unchecked. Understanding limerence helps us recognise the difference between a real emotional connection and obsessive infatuation. If you or someone you know is struggling with limerence, know that support is available. Speaking to a counsellor or psychologist can bring relief, self-awareness, and healing. 

Contributed By: Contributed by Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Sakshi Dhankhar, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2016). Handbook of self-regulation: Research, theory, and applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House.
• Wakin, M., Vo, M., & Fredrickson, B. L. (2011). Loving-kindness meditation to enhance recovery from limerence: A pilot study. Journal of Happiness Studies, 12(3), 497–515. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-010-9215-5