Is He or She the One You Should Marry? How to be Sure

August 07 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 430 Views

Choosing a life partner is one of the most significant decisions you’ll ever make. Marriage isn’t just about love—it’s about compatibility, values, communication, emotional safety, and the ability to grow together. It’s natural to ask: “Is he or she the one I should marry?” This question can bring both excitement and anxiety, especially when faced with uncertainty. As therapists and counsellors often emphasise, clarity comes from understanding yourself, your partner, and your shared vision for the future. This blog explores signs, questions, and psychological insights to help you assess whether your relationship is ready for marriage.

1. Know Yourself Before Choosing Someone Else

Before you evaluate your partner, it’s essential to reflect on your readiness. A healthy relationship starts with self-awareness.

Ask yourself:

What are my emotional needs and values?
What am I willing to compromise on—and what’s non-negotiable?
Am I looking for a partner or for someone to “fix” or “complete” me?

According to Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and therapist, individuals who are grounded in their self-worth are more likely to create secure and resilient relationships (Brown, 2010).

Counsellor tip: Journal your expectations, fears, and hopes about marriage. A therapist can help unpack unconscious patterns that may affect your decision.

2. Are Your Core Values Aligned?

Shared values—not just shared interests—are the foundation of lasting partnerships. Do you and your partner agree on important life aspects such as:

Family dynamics and parenting
Religion and spirituality
Finances and spending
Career aspirations and gender roles
Health and lifestyle choices

Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship therapist, emphasises the importance of shared meaning and mutual respect in couples who stay together long-term (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

If your core values are fundamentally different, love alone may not be enough to sustain the marriage.

3. How Do You Communicate—Especially During Conflict?

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. The way you and your partner handle conflict is a critical predictor of marital success.

Healthy signs include:

Listening without defensiveness
Expressing needs instead of blaming
Apologising and forgiving genuinely
Taking time to cool down before discussing heated issues

If your arguments are full of contempt, criticism, or stonewalling, it may signal deeper issues (Gottman Institute, 2022).

Therapist insight: Premarital counselling can help couples develop effective communication tools before marriage intensifies existing patterns.

4. Do You Feel Emotionally Safe?

Emotional safety is about feeling accepted, understood, and supported even in your most vulnerable moments.

Ask yourself:

Can I communicate my ideas and emotions without worrying about being judged?
Does my partner validate me, even when they disagree?
Are my boundaries respected?

A 2020 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that emotional attunement is a stronger predictor of marital satisfaction than physical intimacy (Johnson et al., 2020).

If emotional intimacy is missing, commitment may feel isolating rather than comforting.

5. Are You Both Willing to Grow Together and Individually?

The person you marry today will grow, change, and evolve. Are both of you open to learning, compromising, and supporting one another’s growth?

Signs of growth-oriented love include:

Mutual encouragement of personal goals
Flexibility in navigating life transitions
Willingness to attend therapy or seek help during challenges

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist, describes healthy relationships as "a dance of separateness and togetherness”—balancing individuality and union (Lerner, 2005).

Growth mindset in love isn’t just about fixing problems—it’s about expanding together.

6. How Do You Handle Finances Together?

One of the main reasons for stress and divorce is money. Even in loving relationships, different money beliefs or habits can lead to resentment.

Talk openly about:

Spending vs. saving patterns
Debt, loans, and credit
Financial roles and responsibilities
Budgeting as a couple

Counsellor recommendation: Try creating a shared financial vision board or monthly money check-ins to stay aligned.

7. Do Trusted People Support the Relationship?

While the decision to marry is ultimately yours, the input of close friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable perspective.

Do people who know you well see this person as a good fit?
Have past partners raised similar concerns you might be ignoring now?
Is your fear of being alone or pressure causing you to ignore warning signs?

Therapists often observe that when multiple loved ones express concerns, it’s worth exploring those red flags further, not ignoring them.

8. Are You Choosing Out of Love or Fear?

Sometimes people commit because of:

Pressure from age, culture, or family
Fear of being alone
The belief that love will fix everything
Wanting to “settle” after a long relationship

Instead of being a fear-based compromise, true commitment ought to be a deliberate decision.

A study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (Joel et al., 2018) found that people often stay in unsatisfying relationships because they don’t want to hurt their partner, leading to long-term dissatisfaction.

Counsellor insight: Therapy can help you differentiate between love and fear, helping you make an empowered decision.

Conclusion

Marriage is not about perfection—it’s about partnership. The right person won’t be flawless, but they will be willing to work, grow, and nurture the relationship with you. Asking, “Is he or she the one?” is not about certainty—it’s about confidence. And that confidence comes from shared values, healthy communication, emotional security, and mutual growth.

Working with a therapist or relationship counsellor through online counselling at TalktoAngel can provide a neutral space to explore your concerns, gain clarity, and prepare for a meaningful marriage. Whether you’re feeling 90% sure or full of doubts, don’t rush. The more honest you are with yourself, the stronger your decision will be.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Sheetal Chauhan, Counselling Psychologist.

References

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman Institute. (2022). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling. https://www.gottman.com
Johnson, S. M., Makinen, J. A., & Millikin, J. W. (2020). Emotionally focused couple therapy: Outcomes and predictors of success. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 289–305.
Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2018). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: Unpacking the decision to stay in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(6), 883–898.
Lerner, H. (2005). The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. HarperCollins.
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