An overpowering desire to please others, sometimes at the sacrifice of one's wants and aspirations, is a hallmark of people-pleasing behavior. Individuals who exhibit this behaviour frequently seek approval and validation from others, sometimes leading to feelings of inadequacy when their efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated. Common traits of people-pleasers include an aversion to conflict, a tendency to overcommit, and a constant need for affirmation.

Common Reasons for People-Pleasing

There are several underlying reasons why people become people-pleasers:

• Fear of Rejection: Many individuals fear that saying no or prioritizing their needs will lead to rejection or abandonment. This fear can stem from past experiences where they were shunned for expressing their true feelings.
• Low Self-Esteem: Those with low self-esteem often seek validation from others to feel worthy. They may believe that their value is contingent on how well they meet the expectations of those around them.
• Childhood Experiences: People-pleasing behaviors can be rooted in childhood, where children learn to gain affection and approval by pleasing their parents or caregivers. Adults may continue to be impacted by this early programming in their relationships and perceptions of themselves

Symptoms of People-Pleasing

Common symptoms include:

• Difficulty Saying No: People-pleasers often struggle to decline requests, even when they feel overwhelmed or unable to help.
• Feeling Guilty for Prioritizing Self: They may feel selfish or guilty for taking time for themselves, leading to neglect of personal needs and desires.
• Neglecting Personal Needs: Individuals may consistently prioritize others’ needs over their own, resulting in burnout or resentment.

Personal Anecdotes

For example, consider someone who agrees to take on extra work at the office, even when overwhelmed. They may feel guilty for refusing a colleague's request, believing that saying no will lead to disappointment. This cycle can lead to increased stress and dissatisfaction, further entrenching their people-pleasing tendencies.

The Impact of People-Pleasing

Emotional Consequences

Emotional health can be severely harmed by people-pleasing. Stress, anxiety, and anger can result from continuously putting other people before yourself. Because their wants are not met, people may eventually feel dissatisfied or taken advantage of.

Effects on Relationships and Personal Identity

The impact on relationships can be profound. People-pleasers can draw in others who use their willingness to be accommodating, which can result in unbalanced dynamics. Furthermore, when individuals prioritize others at the expense of their own identity, they may struggle to define who they are outside of their relationships, resulting in a diminished sense of self.

Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing Behavior

• Self-Reflection

To begin overcoming people-pleasing behaviour, it’s crucial to engage in self-reflection. Take time to identify your motivations and triggers. Ask yourself questions such as: Why do I feel compelled to please others? What fears drive my behavior? By understanding these underlying issues, you can start to challenge them.

• Setting Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. Get comfortable declining requests that don't fit your priorities. Remember that it’s okay to prioritize your needs without feeling guilty.

• Practicing Assertiveness

Developing assertiveness is a vital skill for expressing your needs and desires confidently. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many responsibilities.” This approach fosters open communication without placing blame on others.

• Prioritizing Self-Care

Self-care is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. Schedule time for things that will help you feel refreshed and renewed.  Whether it’s engaging in hobbies, exercising, or simply taking a moment for yourself, prioritizing self-care allows you to regain balance and perspective.

• Seeking Support

Therapy or online counselling can be incredibly beneficial for those struggling with people-pleasing tendencies. A professional can help you explore the root causes of your behavior, develop coping strategies, and guide you in establishing healthy relationships. Services like those offered by TalktoAngel provide a supportive environment for personal growth.

• Tools and Resources

Consider exploring books such as "The Disease to Please" by Harriet B. Braiker and "Boundaries" bDrr. Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, which provide valuable insights into overcoming people-pleasing behaviour Online courses focused on assertiveness and personal growth can also help develop skills necessary for change.

Additionally, the counselling services provided by TalktoAngel can offer personalized support tailored to your unique experiences and challenges. With the guidance of a qualified psychologist, you can work towards reclaiming your identity and building healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Overcoming people-pleasing behaviour is a crucial step towards achieving emotional well-being and fostering authentic relationships. By recognizing the signs, understanding the underlying motivations, and implementing practical strategies, you can begin to prioritize your needs and assert your identity. Remember that it’s a journey, and seeking support from professionals like the best psychologist in India at TalktoAngel can provide valuable guidance along the way. Take the first step towards self-improvement and authentic living today—your well-being is worth it. Embrace resilience as you embark on this empowering journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Contribution: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist, life coach & mentor TalktoAngel & Ms Sangeeta Pal, Counselling Psychologist.

Reference

• Braiker, H. B. (2009). The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. New York: New Page Books.
• Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
• Cash, T. F. (2011). The Body Image Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help Girls Develop a Healthy Body Image in Adolescence. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
• Kahn, J. (2019). People-Pleasing: A Guide to Overcoming the Need for Approval and Building Confidence. London: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow.