In a world where family values often underscore stability and unity, many couples choose to stay in unhappy or dysfunctional relationships “for the kids.” The idea behind this decision is simple and often well-intentioned: to provide children with a two-parent household and a sense of normalcy. While parents may believe they are shielding their children from the trauma of separation or divorce, staying in a toxic relationship can have lasting psychological consequences for both the children and the parents.

1. Children Sense More Than You Think

Children are incredibly perceptive. Even when parents believe they’re hiding their unhappiness, children often pick up on emotional cues like tension, passive-aggressive behaviour, lack of affection, or even emotional withdrawal. They may not understand all the nuances, but they feel the discomfort.

Research shows that growing up in a high-conflict household, even if both parents are present, can be more damaging to a child’s emotional and psychological development than a peaceful separation (Amato & Keith, 1991). Chronic exposure to arguments, coldness, or unspoken resentment can lead to anxiety, depression, and behavioural issues.

2. Modelling Dysfunctional Relationships

Children learn about love, communication, and conflict resolution primarily through watching their parents. When parents remain together in a tense, unloving partnership, children may internalise unhealthy relationship dynamics as “normal.” They may grow up believing that relationships are supposed to be full of emotional distance, lack of communication, or unresolved tension.

This can lead to difficulties in their own adult relationships. They might avoid intimacy, fear commitment, or replicate the toxic patterns they witnessed growing up. Ironically, in trying to protect their children from the trauma of a broken home, parents might inadvertently teach them to settle for unhappy relationships.

3. Parental Mental Health Suffers Too

Staying in a strained relationship takes a significant toll on the mental health of both partners. Over time, the stress of pretending, suppressing emotions, and enduring unhappiness can lead to depression, anxiety, emotional burnout, or even physical health issues.

Parents under constant emotional strain may also become less emotionally available to their children. They might exhibit irritability, inconsistency in parenting, or detachment, which further affects the child’s emotional security and development (Whisman et al., 2006). A household with unhappy parents is not a peaceful one, even if it remains technically “intact.”

4. The Illusion of Stability

One of the most common arguments for staying together is the perceived stability a two-parent household offers. While structural stability might remain shared meals, joint school runs, and family holidays, the emotional atmosphere often tells a different story.

Children thrive on emotional safety, not just physical presence. A home filled with unspoken hostility or emotional coldness can create a sense of confusion and insecurity. In contrast, children from divorced families, where parents co-parent respectfully and lovingly, often report feeling more emotionally supported than those living in a household with ongoing parental tension (Kelly & Emery, 2003).

5. Delayed but Not Diminished Impact

Some parents choose to “wait it out” until the kids are older, waiting for them to graduate or leave for college before separating. While this may appear to soften the blow, it doesn’t necessarily spare children from psychological consequences.

In many cases, adult children of parents who waited to divorce express confusion, feelings of betrayal, or guilt. They may question the authenticity of their upbringing or feel responsible for their parents’ prolonged misery. The revelation that their parents were unhappy for most of their lives can shake their sense of reality and emotional trust.

6. Open Communication and Healthy Transitions Are Key

Divorce or separation doesn’t have to equate to trauma. What often causes lasting harm is not the separation itself, but how it is handled. Children can cope remarkably well with transitions when they are supported with love, open communication, and a sense of continuity.

If separation becomes necessary, co-parenting models that emphasise respect, collaboration, and the child’s well-being can lead to healthier outcomes than remaining in a toxic marriage. Therapy, family counselling, and parenting support during transitions can greatly help everyone adjust.

7. Honouring the Child’s Emotional Needs

Children benefit most from emotionally available, mentally healthy, and attuned parents. Prioritising mental wellness, both for the parents and the children, may mean ending a marriage that no longer serves the family.

It’s essential to understand that the goal is not to “stay together no matter what,” but to foster a nurturing, respectful, and emotionally safe environment. In some cases, that environment may flourish more easily in two separate households than in one fractured one.

Conclusion

Choosing to stay together “for the kids” may come from a place of love, duty, or societal pressure, but it’s important to consider the broader psychological implications. While separation is never easy, sometimes it can be the healthier choice for everyone involved. 

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Tanu Sangwan, Counselling Psychologist.

References 

• Amato, P. R., & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.110.1.26
• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
• Whisman, M. A., Uebelacker, L. A., & Weinstock, L. M. (2006). Psychopathology and marital distress: Examining the direction of influence. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 94–97. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.94
• Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company.