Every individual carries within them two psychological identities—the real self and the ideal self. While one reflects who we genuinely are in the present, the other represents who we aspire to be. These two concepts, introduced by Carl Rogers, are foundational in humanistic psychology and deeply influence how we think, feel, and behave in our daily lives.

Understanding the dynamics between the real self and the ideal self is crucial to achieving emotional well-being, self-acceptance, and personal growth. However, when the gap between the two becomes too wide, it can lead to inner conflict, stress, and even mental health issues.

What is the Real Self?

The term "real self" describes our true feelings, ideas, actions, and experiences. It encompasses our true traits, capabilities, and limitations as we perceive them in the current moment. The real self is shaped by our life experiences, environment, relationships, and innate personality.

For example, if a person is naturally introverted, prefers solitude, and enjoys quiet hobbies, these characteristics form part of their real self, even if societal expectations push them toward more extroverted behaviour.

When we align with our real self, we experience authenticity—the feeling of being true to who we are, which is a core concept in positive psychology.

What is the Ideal Self?

The ideal self, on the other hand, is the person we hope to become.  It’s a mental image based on personal goals, societal standards, cultural norms, and sometimes unrealistic expectations. This version of the self may be shaped by media influences, parental expectations, or internalized perfectionism.

Statements like these frequently serve as fuel for the ideal self:

• “I should be more confident.”
• “I must always be productive.”
• “I need to look perfect.”

While having aspirations and goals is healthy, constantly comparing oneself to an unattainable ideal can create what Carl Rogers called incongruence—a psychological conflict between the real and ideal selves.

The Impact of Incongruence

When there’s a significant mismatch between the real self and the ideal self, it can lead to feelings of low self-worth, chronic dissatisfaction, and emotional distress. Incongruence is commonly associated with:

• Anxiety and depression: Feeling like you’re “never enough.”
• Imposter syndrome: Believing that your real self doesn’t measure up to how others perceive you.
• Perfectionism: Striving for flawlessness and fearing failure.
• People-pleasing behaviour: Attempting to become the version of yourself others want, rather than being authentic.

In therapeutic settings, incongruence is often addressed to help clients move toward self-actualisation—the realisation of one's true potential and alignment between real and ideal self.

Signs You May Be Struggling with Real vs. Ideal Self Conflict

• Constant self-criticism or inner judgment
• Feeling disconnected from your desires and emotions
• Difficulty making decisions due to fear of imperfection
• Struggling with identity or self-worth
• Comparing yourself obsessively to others

Recognising these signs is the first step toward reconciling the gap between who you are and who you believe you should be.

How to Bridge the Gap Between Ideal and Real Self

1. Practice Self-Compassion

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and patience—especially when facing failures or imperfections. It helps reduce the harsh internal criticism that fuels incongruence.

2. Engage in Self-Reflection

Through journaling, mindfulness, or therapy, explore questions like:

• “Who am I right now?”
• “Who do I want to be—and why?”
• "Do external forces or internal values drive my goals?"

This type of introspective awareness allows you to understand your motivations and adjust them when necessary.

3. Set Realistic Goals

Set attainable, value-based goals rather than striving for an idealized version of yourself. Prioritize progress above perfection since this promotes long-term self-improvement and intrinsic motivation.

4. Seek Authenticity Over Approval

Trying to live up to others’ expectations often leads us further from our real selves. Prioritise values, passions, and behaviours that resonate with your inner truth, even if they deviate from societal norms.

5. Therapeutic Support

If the gap between your real and ideal self feels overwhelming, working with a therapist can provide the insight, validation, and strategies needed to navigate the emotional complexity of identity conflict.

Online Counseling with TalktoAngel

For those seeking emotional support and clarity in understanding the real versus ideal self, TalktoAngel offers accessible, professional online therapy. With a network of licensed psychologists, counsellors, and therapists, TalktoAngel provides expert guidance in areas such as self-identity, anxiety, self-esteem, and personal development.

Whether you're battling self-doubt or navigating life transitions, TalktoAngel provides a safe and confidential space where you can explore your thoughts and emotions freely. Through evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), humanistic therapy, and mindfulness-based interventions, you can work toward integrating your real and ideal selves for emotional harmony and self-acceptance.

Conclusion

Understanding the difference between your ideal self and real self is not about choosing one over the other—it’s about finding balance. While the ideal self can inspire growth, the real self keeps us grounded in truth. The journey toward emotional clarity begins when we stop chasing perfection and start embracing who we are. With introspection, compassion, and the right support, such as that offered by TalktoAngel, you can bridge the gap between aspiration and authenticity and live a more fulfilled, emotionally aligned life.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Ms. Mansi, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications and theory. Houghton Mifflin.
• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
• Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346