Learning to understand your partner is a process that benefits the couple as a whole. This blog explores various ways to deepen this understanding and highlights how these practices can positively impact mental health, relationships, and self-esteem. It also discusses how counselling can facilitate this process.

1. Open Communication

Effective communication is foundational in any relationship. To truly understand your spouse, engage in open and honest conversations. According to research, couples who communicate openly are better at resolving conflicts and feel more connected (Gottman, 1999). Talking about your feelings, dreams, and worries regularly creates a supportive environment and aids in understanding your partner's viewpoint.

• Impact on Mental Health: Open communication reduces stress and anxiety related to misunderstandings and hidden resentments. It fosters mental health by fostering a sense of security.
• Impact on Relationship: This practice enhances intimacy and trust, which are crucial for a healthy relationship. Additionally, it stops the accumulation of unsaid problems that can cause disputes.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Knowing that your thoughts and feelings are valued can boost your self-esteem. Partners are more likely to feel safe and appreciated in a relationship when they feel heard and understood.

2. Quality Time Together

Spending quality time together strengthens bonds. Engaging in activities that both partners enjoy, such as hobbies, cooking, or simply taking walks, helps in creating shared experiences and memories. Research shows that couples who prioritize quality time experience greater relationship satisfaction (Aron et al., 2000).

• Impact on Mental Health: Shared activities reduce feelings of loneliness and increase happiness. They offer a break from daily stressors and provide emotional support.
• Impact on Relationships: Spending quality time strengthens interpersonal and emotional ties. It facilitates a greater comprehension of one another's values, preferences, and dislikes.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Spending time together and enjoying each other's company can increase feelings of worthiness and validation, as individuals feel valued and important in their partner’s life.

3. Understanding Each Other’s Love Language

According to Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages, individuals express and receive love in different ways, such as words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch (Chapman, 1992). Understanding your spouse’s love language can improve how you connect.

• Impact on Mental Health: When partners express love in a way that resonates with their spouse, it can reduce feelings of neglect and enhance emotional satisfaction.
• Impact on Relationship: Knowing and speaking your spouse’s love language leads to more effective expressions of affection and reduces misunderstandings.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Feeling loved in the way you understand and appreciate boosts self-worth and emotional well-being. It reinforces the belief that you are important and cherished.

4. Empathy and Active Listening

Empathy involves understanding and sharing your spouse’s feelings, while active listening requires fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively hearing it. These skills are crucial for deeper understanding (Rogers & Farson, 1957).

• Impact on Mental Health: Empathetic listening helps in validating your partner’s emotions, reducing feelings of isolation and increasing emotional support.
• Impact on Relationship: This practice fosters a deeper emotional connection and trust. It helps in resolving conflicts more effectively and strengthens the overall bond.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Being empathetic and listened to can enhance feelings of validation and self-worth, knowing that your feelings and experiences matter to your partner.

5. Setting and Respecting Boundaries

Maintaining a good relationship requires both parties to understand and respect each other's boundaries. Healthy Boundaries related to personal space, time, and privacy should be discussed openly (Brown, 2003).

• Impact on Mental Health: Clear boundaries prevent feelings of overwhelm and stress, allowing individuals to maintain their mental health and personal identity.
• Impact on Relationship: Respecting boundaries fosters mutual respect and trust. It promotes a more peaceful connection by avoiding resentment or feelings of suffocation.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: When boundaries are respected, individuals feel valued and understood, which enhances self-esteem and personal confidence.

6. Exploring Shared Goals and Values

Discussing and aligning on long-term goals and values is crucial for a strong relationship. Shared values and goals provide a common direction and purpose (Klein & Kankkunen, 1991).

• Impact on Mental Health: Shared goals reduce anxiety about the future and provide a sense of partnership and support.
• Impact on Relationship: Alignment in values and goals strengthens the relationship’s foundation and enhances teamwork and cooperation.
• Impact on Self-Esteem: Working towards shared goals can reinforce feelings of achievement and partnership, boosting self-worth and confidence in the relationship’s stability.

The Role of Counseling

Online Counselling can be a valuable tool for understanding your spouse better. Therapists can provide guidance on improving communication, resolving couple conflicts, and addressing underlying issues that may affect the relationship. Counselling helps couples develop effective strategies for understanding each other’s needs and improving their relationship dynamics (Johnson, 2004).

• Mental Health Benefits: Counseling provides a structured environment to explore and address personal and relational issues, reducing stress and enhancing mental well-being.
• Relationship Benefits: It offers techniques to improve communication, empathy, and mutual understanding. Counsellors help couples navigate challenges and strengthen their relationships.
• Self-Esteem Benefits: Therapy can help individuals understand their role in the relationship, improve self-awareness, and foster personal growth, which contributes to enhanced self-esteem.

Conclusion

Understanding your spouse better is an ongoing journey that requires commitment, openness, and empathy. By engaging in open communication, spending quality time together, recognizing and honouring each other’s love languages, practising empathy and active listening, and respecting personal boundaries, couples can foster a deeper connection and strengthen their relationship. These practices not only enhance mental health and relationship satisfaction but also boost self-esteem, leading to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership.

Counselling plays a pivotal role in this process, offering tools and techniques to navigate relationship challenges, improve communication, and address underlying issues. Through therapy, couples can gain insights into their relationship dynamics, develop effective strategies for understanding each other, and foster personal and relational growth. As couples invest in understanding each other and seek support when needed, they build a resilient foundation for their relationship, paving the way for a more connected, supportive, and fulfilling partnership.

Contribution: Dr (Prof) R K Suri, Clinical Psychologist, life coach & mentor TalktoAngel & Ms Nicole Fernandes, Counselling Psychologist.

References

• Aron, A., Aron, E. N., & Smollan, D. (2000). Inclusion of others in the self scale and the structure of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(4), 596-612.
• Brown, B. (2003). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
• Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
• Johnson, S. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Brunner-Routledge.
• Klein, J., & Kankkunen, T. (1991). Shared Goals and Values: Building a Strong Relationship. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 27(3), 219-232.
• Rogers, C. R., & Farson, R. E. (1957). Active Listening. University of Chicago Press.