Steps to Build "Sound Relationship House"

June 13 2025 TalktoAngel 0 comments 93 Views

The Sound Relationship House is a model developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, renowned relationship researchers, to illustrate the essential components of a healthy, lasting romantic partnership. This framework, grounded in over four decades of empirical research, outlines seven levels that couples can cultivate to build a strong, resilient relationship. Each level represents a critical aspect of emotional connection, communication, and mutual support, providing a roadmap for fostering love and intimacy.

Understanding the Sound Relationship House

The Sound Relationship House theory posits that a strong relationship is like a well-constructed house, with each level serving as a foundational element that supports the structure above it. The model emphasizes both emotional intimacy and practical behaviours that contribute to relationship success. According to the Gottman Institute, there are seven levels in the Sound Relationship House:

1. Build Love Maps

2. Share Fondness and Admiration

3. Turn Towards Instead of Away

4. The Positive Perspective

5. Manage Conflict

6. Make Life Dreams Come True

7. Create Shared Meaning

Trust and commitment, which offer stability and security, are also the house's walls.

Step-by-Step Guide to Building the Sound Relationship House

1. Build Love Maps

The foundation of the Sound Relationship House is the concept of Love Maps, which refers to how well partners know each other’s inner worlds. This includes understanding each other’s hopes, fears, preferences, and daily experiences.

Practical Actions:

"What has been the most memorable part of your week?" is an example of an open-ended question.

Actively listen without interrupting, showing genuine curiosity.

Update your knowledge of your partner’s world by checking in regularly, as people’s preferences and experiences evolve.

Research shows that couples who maintain detailed Love Maps are better equipped to navigate stress and conflicts, as they feel understood and valued.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration

By showing gratitude for one another, the second level focuses on fostering affection and respect. One of the indicators of a failing relationship is contempt, which is countered by affection and admiration.

Practical Actions:

Verbalize gratitude for specific actions, such as “I appreciate how you made dinner tonight.”

Write notes or send messages highlighting qualities you admire in your partner.

To strengthen your emotional connection, think back on happy times spent together.

Studies indicate that couples who regularly express fondness and admiration report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

3. Turn Towards Instead of Away

Turning towards your partner means responding positively to their bids for attention, affection, or support. These bids can be as simple as a comment about the weather or a request for help. Consistently turning towards each other builds emotional trust and connection.

Practical Actions:

Notice small bids, like a partner’s sigh or a shared glance, and respond with empathy or engagement.

Prioritize your partner’s needs, even in busy moments, by offering a quick acknowledgement or gesture.

Practice active engagement during conversations, such as nodding or asking follow-up questions.

Gottman’s research suggests that couples who turn towards each other 86% of the time are more likely to maintain a stable relationship compared to those who turn away or ignore bids.

4. The Positive Perspective

Maintaining a positive perspective involves approaching your relationship with optimism, assuming your partner’s intentions are good even during disagreements. This level builds on the previous ones, as Love Maps, fondness, and turning towards create a positive emotional bank account.

Practical Actions:

Reframe negative interactions by considering your partner’s perspective or stressors.

Practice gratitude to focus on what’s working in the relationship rather than dwelling on flaws.

Use humour or affection to diffuse tension during minor conflicts.

A positive perspective is linked to lower levels of destructive conflict behaviours, such as criticism or defensiveness, which can erode relationships.

5. Manage Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how couples manage it determines their success. The Gottman approach emphasizes managing conflict rather than eliminating it, using strategies like soft starts, accepting influence, and repairing after disagreements.

Practical Actions:

Instead of placing blame, begin conversations with "I feel" remarks.

Take breaks during heated arguments to cool down, aiming for 20-30 minutes.

Apologize and make repairs, such as saying, “I’m sorry I got upset; let’s try this again.”

Research shows that couples who use these strategies are better at de-escalating conflicts and maintaining emotional closeness.

6. Make Life Dreams Come True

This level involves supporting each other’s aspirations and goals, whether they’re career ambitions, personal hobbies, or lifelong dreams. Helping your partner achieve their dreams strengthens the partnership and fosters mutual respect.

Practical Actions:

Discuss your partner’s dreams openly, asking questions like “What would your ideal future look like?”

Offer practical support, such as helping with time management or resources to pursue goals.

Celebrate milestones together, no matter how small.

Supporting life dreams enhances relationship satisfaction by aligning partners’ values and priorities.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Creating a common sense of meaning and purpose is the goal of the Sound Relationship House's top level. This involves creating rituals, traditions, and goals that define your relationship’s unique culture.

Conclusion

Just as a house needs a strong foundation and sturdy walls to stand the test of time, so does a romantic relationship. The Sound Relationship House model offers a proven blueprint for building emotional intimacy, trust, and lasting partnership.

Whether you are starting a new relationship or working through challenges in a long-term one, professional therapists can make a significant difference. TalktoAngel, India’s leading online mental health platform, connects individuals and couples to the best psychologists in India. Through evidence-based techniques like the Gottman Method, CBT, and emotionally focused therapy, you can begin building resilience and a stronger emotional foundation and navigate your relationship journey with confidence. Taking support is not a sign of weakness—it’s an investment in your shared future and a step toward a more fulfilling connection.

Contributed By: Dr. (Prof.) R. K. Suri, Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach, &. Mrs. Chanchal Agarwal, Counselling Psychologist.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the Love Lab. W. W. Norton & Company.
Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/psychology-of-overfunctioning-in-relationships
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/psychological-impact-of-being-in-an-on-and-off-relationship
https://www.talktoangel.com/blog/dealing-with-unspoken-expectations-that-create-relationship-conflict